Life Lessons Learned Last Week

Wow.

Literally, all I can say is....wow.

After a week at camp, I am still, for all intents and purposes, speechless and processing.

I've learned so much. Grown so much...Cried so much.

I now know, with a sure certainty, that God actually loves me, He is actually for me. His love for me is without measure, beyond comprehension, and will never ever change.

I've realized that God will never punish me for what Jesus has already paid for, and that when hardships happen, theyaren't  Him trying to punish me, they're sometimes His loving correction, sometimes the natural consequences of my wrongdoing, and sometimes it's just the results of living in a fallen world.

I've seen proven, oh so powerfully, that there are people who actually genuinely love and care for me apart from camp, apart from me being a student they work with, apart from all of that, they genuinely care what happens to me, and I matter to them and we are close friends in our own right.

I no longer instinctively doubt people when they say that someone is like family to them.

I learned that my life is valuable, and people would be seriously affected if I were to disappear. I am not insignificant. I am precious to people, and I am priceless to God.

I've discovered that sometimes, when people say they'll stay, they really mean it. And it is possible to be seen ugly-crying and be held and loved instead of scorned or judged.

I've learned that not everyone is at a loss for what to do with me when I'm falling apart, and sometimes it's okay to fall apart because otherwise, how else will you ever be put back together again?

I also realized that when God is trying to get your attention, fighting him is a really bad idea because He, in His infinite love and wisdom, is not above pulling out all the stops and bringing you to your knees before Him in surrender.

I learned its okay to stop fighting His love, allow Him into the broken places, and lay your burdens down at the foot of the Cross, and that there's really no better place to do so.

On the flip side, though, I also learned that giving up on life and recovery is never ever an option. Not now, not ever. There will always be battles, and if you give up now, you will never have the chance to see how amazing your life could turn out to be. Because it will be amazing. If you only let it.

I discovered that although it's beyond terrifying to let your guard down and open your heart, it's something that needs to happen, and there's no shame in letting yourself heal.

I learned that when Christ tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, he doesn't mean that we consistently are supposed to neglect ourselves in order to serve others, but rather that I cannot love my neighbor if I do not first love myself, therefore, I need to learn that first, and then I can help others.

I've learned that I'm not doing anyone any favors if I set myself on fire to keep them warm, or if I drown trying to be everyone else's anchor. I can't save everyone, much as I would love to, and especially not when I'm already so fragile.

I finally get to wear dresses and feel pretty, feminine, and girly without needing to assert my strength all the time. I know I am strong. I can also be delicate.

I have discarded the lies I bought into for so long, moved past the hurt and the despair of the purity / modesty / femininity books, and can now live in freedom...and wear long skirts again without cringing.

I'm learning to let go of those who have hurt me, and be able to speak of them and remember the good memories without hurting, and without wanting to hurt them back for how much they've hurt me, and I am finally genuinely over all the boys who have hurt me.

I also learned that I am far more valuable to those who care about me than I ever could have imagined, and it's time I start believing them when they reassure me that I am loved and cared for.

I'm slowly but surely learning how to trust God, and that He can be trusted always and in all circumstances.

I have been challenged in my preconceptions; for instance, I no longer would marry an abusive man who I knew was abusive rather than marry a good man on the off chance that the good man would turn abusive, and, well, better the devil you know.

I also saw so powerfully how no matter the pain, God has a purpose for it. And he will use your story to inspire others.

I've realized that God actually wants me to be happy. My joy is not threatening to Him. He isn't that insecure where He will deliberately take away any and everything which brings me pleasure for fear that I will prioritize it over Him.

I've learned that I can trust Him, even when I cannot see Him, even when it seems like He's ignoring me, I can rest in the sure knowledge that He loves me, and everything He does is ultimately for my best and His glory.

I've also realized that even when I disagree with my parents, or when I wonder why on earth I have them, of all people, for parents, God chose them for me, in His infinite wisdom, and it's His wisdom and love I am trusting when I trust my parents.

I am admitting that I do want kids at some point, and I do desire to love and be loved, and yet, it's not the end of the world either if I am single forever.

I've gained weight, but I'm not fat. I went shopping the other day, and bought clothes that flattered me, and were pretty without even checking the size tag. And I was happy.

I also am admitting that I adore Disney, I really do. Beauty and the Beast always has been and always will be my favorite fairy tale, love really does have saving power like nothing else, and perhaps it's not the worst thing in the world to be an incurable romantic.

It no longer seems like such a catastrophe if I am seen without makeup, and perhaps it's not horribly vain to see beauty in myself, or realize that in fifty years I want to look back and be content with all the opportunities I took advantage of, rather than berating myself for starving my body instead of nourishing it.

I've learned that the past only has as much hold on me as I let it, and that it is perfectly acceptable to tell a nosy or just overly inquisitive person that "I don't want to talk about it" when they want to know what on earth happened to my legs, and that scars are not something to be ashamed of and hidden from even my closest and dearest friends.

I caught myself yesterday saying "When I'm fifty...", and suddenly realized that, even a few weeks ago, I would never have used 'when', I would have used 'if', and been certain I would never even make it to eighteen, let alone fifty!

I've come to the point where, much as I love my friends, even if I tomorrow I lost everyone I loved and cared about, I know He would still hold me. I know I would be alright. I would be tremendously hurt, but I would be okay.

And, I know that these lessons won't make life easier overnight. I know that, in all likelihood, I'll still have to deal with the darkness every single day of my life for the rest of my life.

But for the first time in a very very long time, I know that no matter what comes my way, I am not alone. And I can rest in the knowledge that He has it all under control, He is sovereign, and He will give me His peace, joy, strength, and courage to carry on.

This song kind of sums it up best, though, so...

<3