To be Wanted

I don't quite know why, but lately I've been feeling...for lack of a better word....unwanted.

It's an awful feeling, akin to an absolute conviction that no one would care/it wouldn't matter if you disappeared, and everyone who calls themselves your friends don't really and truly care for you, they just feel responsible and obligated to look after you.

And it's not as though you can just text or call a friend and say, "Hey, do you still.....want me?" Not only does that sound strange, but, how are they supposed to reply? If you say yes, you do still want me as a friend, I will assume that you're just trying to make me feel better or falsely reassuring me because you don't wish to hurt me. Plus, you'd have to be a fairly hard person to be able to say "no" without caring.

I'm pretty certain that one of my best friends just puts up with me because they cared at one point and now just feels responsible and wishes I didn't annoy them anymore. And unfortunately, I'm sensitive to the point where I can tell when someone distances themselves, or loses interest, or is just plumb irritated, annoyed, and wishes I would shut up. Which is what I'm pretty sure is happening in this case.

I have been so so good about not cutting, but the people I thought I could turn to when I crave it - the people who ought to understand, having been through the same thing - have all unanimously declared that 'you need help' (aka...leave me alone I can't/don't want to deal with you). And I don't understand how I'm expected to be there for them, yet, it never goes both ways and our friendship is on the fritz.

And I truly love my friends, but if I call you crying, I don't need you to tell me I need help... I need a hug, and I need you to reassure me that you love me no matter what.

But, my God, why is it that every single time I think I have finally found someone who genuinely cares, genuinely understands, they get fed up and either distance themselves completely, or drop me?

As Anais Nin once said, "I despise my own hypersensitiveness, which requires so much reassurance. It is certainly abnormal to crave so much to be loved and understood."

And I wholeheartedly agree.