{but if not...}

recently i stumbled at random across a tiny book in my church library, entitled, 'The Prisoner in the Third Cell', by Gene Edwards. 

i truly had no idea what it was about, only that the cover seemed intriguing, so i grabbed it. i started reading it... and from page one, i was in tears. 

and not just...'a few teardrops filled my eyes' sort of tears, but full-out sobbing. somehow, a tiny book, no greater than 100 pages, changed my entire perspective on the purpose for pain. 

we are so obsessed with the idea that 'someday' the pain will be meaningful. at least, i know i am. i cling to the idea that He will make beauty from the brokenness, and that i will see His purpose for what, right now, seems utterly pointless. 

someday I'll see why He doesn't heal me..someday I'll see why i still struggle...someday all this pain will have purpose, and in a Joseph moment, I will be able to say that what was meant for evil has been used for good. 

but what if...what if i never see it? at least, never on this earth? what if i come to the end of it all, and i still know nothing more than i knew at the beginning? 

what if i come to the conclusion that He could have saved and healed, and yet, for some reason, He didn't. and what if i never see the purpose? 

there have been countless throughout history who never saw relief, who never glimpsed healing, who even - like John the Baptist - went to death never knowing why they were not rescued. 

my pastor touched on it this morning, when he called to our attention the way that God, in Acts 3, rescued Peter, and yet, allowed James to be brutally murdered.

Why did He save one and not the other? why did he heal some, and not all? why did centuries of His people cry out for deliverance, never to see it? why do His people still cry out for answers in the face of their pain, in the face of their brokenness, in the face of appalling horror, never to be answered, never to see any good come from the grief which has been caused? 

"all they will ever known in this lifetime is that I did not come to them in their hour of greatest need"

when all seems lost, sometimes He does not show up. sometimes He, in His sovereignty allows horrific things to happen, and i cannot see the purpose for it, and i may never see the purpose for it. all i may ever know is that I cried to Him and He was silent and He did not answer and did He see how my heart was breaking? !

"worst of all, from God came no explanation concerning His ways. many were healed. but not all". and what do you do when you cry to Him for healing, for defense, and He does not come? when you spit Psalm 91 bitterly back into the teeth of the sky, angry..so angry..so hurt..because the God you expected to save you...didn't. 

in fact, that God allowed you to be hurt, allowed you to be misused and mistreated and abused and betrayed and defiled he will not remove the thorns and you take offense at that, heartbrokenly demanding why. 

'why? after i have served and loved you, and i am walking in your ways, and i have given all for you....why would you let this happen to me?'

'why? after i have cried and prayed and followed and loved you....why would you heal others, and not heal me?'

'whatever happened to, 'a thousand shall fall at thy side, and ten thousand at thy right hand, yet it shall not come nigh thee'??'

'did You not mean what You promised, when You said that if I call to you in the day of trouble, You will answer and You will defend, and why, when I needed you, did you..not?'

well the book continues, "you have now come face to face with a God whom you do not fully understand. You have met a God who has not lived up to your expectations...today you are resentful of those who so callously hurt you. But no, not really. The truth is you are angry with God because, ultimately, you are not dealing with men you are dealing with the sovereign hand of your Lord." 

because if He knows all things, if He is all powerful and all-seeing, then nothing comes to me, whether joy or pain, without His allowing it. 

"The question is not, 'why is God doing this? Why is He like this?' the question is not, "Why does He not answer me?" the question is not, "I need him desperately, why does He not come rescue me?" the question is not, "why did God allow this tragedy to happen to me, to my children, to my wife, to my husband, to my family?" not is it, "Why does God allow injustices?" 

because i have asked every single of those questions countless times... because my soul cries out for answers, screams from the depths of my pain, 'my God, why? why have you forsaken me?' 

"The question before the house is this: 'will you follow a God you do not understand? will you follow a God who does not live up to your expectations?'"

because i expect certain things from the hand of the Most High, such as protection and justice and peace and joy and a spirit that sings in the face of grief, and I expect that He will shield and make things right and render retribution, and what of it when He doesn't? 

"Your Lord has put something in your life which you cannot bear. The burden is simply too great. He was never supposed to do this! But the question remains...will you continue to follow a God who did not live up to your expectations?" 

but what does that even look like? what does it look like to follow God even when He does not live up to my expectations?

...well, there's a story i read yesterday...about three young men in a fiery furnace, who stared senseless viciousness in the face and proclaimed that "our God will deliver us...but if not, we will still follow Him". 

our God will deliver... but if not... if not, still He is good. if not, still he has a purpose. if I never see that purpose on this earth, then, i will see it when heaven and earth pass away and I stand before His face. 

but, then again, who knows? 

perhaps, when I find myself before His throne, i will find that He is the answer? 

after all, "what other answer would suffice? only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words".

i do not know why, but...i know whom i have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I've committed to Him against that day. 

and in that, i shall learn to find my peace.