There's been a lot of talk regarding the damage done to women by the strict purity culture found in some circles of conservative Christianity. And while I would be the first person to passionately remind people that the problems caused by the purity culture don't just disappear because you no longer believe them, and that women seem to bear the brunt of responsibility for purity....sometimes I think we fail to remember that the guilt, shame, and fear of that movement also hurts guys.
While the majority of the purity culture literature seems to be marketed towards women, there is still a good percentage of it addressed to young men. And, being the abnormality of a girl that I am, I read the ones written for girls..and the ones written for guys.
Now, the books written for girls seem to focus primarily on emotional purity - guarding your heart, making sure you don't 'fall in love' with a guy and give away supposedly irretrievable pieces of your heart to someone you will not ultimately wind up with - and 'tips' for dressing and conducting one's self in such a manner where it is impossible for a man to be attracted to you, (yet somehow you are also supposed to attract a good Godly man by your loyalty and devotion to your father. go figure).
The books for guys, on the other hand, were wracked with the fear of repeating 'David's mistake' - brought low by a woman who failed to protect her modesty - and therefore focused on the fear of women as dangerous objects with the ability to ruin a man forever, and the fear of their own selves.
Now I used to think that it was just women who were victims of the purity culture, but the more I've read and the more I've seen, the more I realize how much it damages men as well. Let me explain.
For one, purity culture teaches men that their desires are inherently uncontrollable, evil, and sinful. Don't even get me started on the fact that there is nothing inherently wrong with being attracted to someone. There isn't even anything wrong with being aroused. You can't control who you're attracted to, and you can't really control whether or not you're turned on. Lust is what is sinful, when you dehumanize another person in your mind and allow your fantasies to run wild. That's something completely different than even wanting to have sex with someone.
It teaches men to be terrified of attraction, since there are no clear lines drawn between attraction and lust - they are too often treated as the same thing - and therefore doesn't actually teach them how to deal with it - to go to God for forgiveness if they sin - but rather to remain trapped in cycles of shame and condemnation. (Seriously, stop shaming guys for things they have no control over..but that's a whole nother blog post rant!).
Additionally, by placing the entire emphasis on women's bodies, it teaches men to see women as nothing but bodies. By teaching men that women deliberately dress immodestly in order to trap them, and focusing on their physical attributes, it teaches men to evaluate women in terms of how much clothing they have on their frame - instead of seeing them as human beings, worthy of respect regardless.
Instead of seeing them as people... girls are viewed as either a potential future spouse, or a danger and temptation. (now, in all fairness, this one goes both ways where girls also need to learn that *gasp* guys are people too and don't fall into one of two categories: a. he just wants to get into my pants or b. future husband material).
Purity culture also sets an impossible standard for a man to reach if he is to be 'worthy' of the girl he wants to date/marry. Books such as 'What He Must Be If He Wants to Marry My Daughter', and others, set ridiculously high hoops for any prospective suitor to jump through, if he even wants a chance with the girl's father.
That's an incredible amount of pressure to put on a young man, and I have seen it work several ways, where either a. the girl ends up marrying an abusive man who is able to put on a very good show in front of her father, or, b. the girl doesn't end up married because no guy can possibly pass all of Dad's expectations and the poor guy eventually gives up altogether because the constant rejection crushes him, or, c. the father initially approves, only to disapprove the moment he discovers that the guy isn't perfect.
Now, granted this doesn't mean that i think girls should date scumballs, but on the other hand, there is no perfect man (or woman, for that matter!) and whatever happened to giving grace to the one who is genuinely striving to follow the will of God?
Oh, and, my pet rant on this topic: purity culture (and the majority of the modesty movement, too) basically reduces men to the level of animals with absolutely no control over whether or not the act on their sexual desires. The logic goes somewhat like this:
a. Men are more visually oriented than women/have stronger sex drives. Their minds are 'mental rolodex's' of sexual images. they think about sex 24/7 and naught else (thank you, Shaunti Feldhan)
b. If a woman dresses or behaves 'provocatively' (attractively), then a man will lust after her, because, of course, his mind was already on the topic of sex - where it is all the time (*cough* Nancy Leigh DeMoss *cough*)
c. If he lusts after her, then he will be sinning greatly. Since women have just that much power over these poor innocent men, then the guy will inevitably be unable to restrain himself from having sex with her because the temptation was just that great. (candle and gunpowder... girls are candles, guys are gunpowder..you get the drift)
d. Now, the guy is no longer pure. the girl knew what she was doing all along (or, at best, was naive enough to not realize the effect her mere physical form existing in public, whether fully clothed or not!, had on him), and we have a disaster on our hands.
I'm sorry, but I beg to disagree.
This doesn't further healthy relationships, friendships, or otherwise. All it does is teach men to fear women, and, even, despise and loathe them (along with despising and loathing themselves for failing to be 'stronger').
See, if you are taught that attraction and arousal are both sinful, then if someone sparks either/or, that person will automatically be associated with your 'sin'. So, in addition to self-loathing and self-hatred for failing to live up to an impossible standard, the guy projects those feelings onto the woman as well, learning to hate and fear her.
It also conditions men to see non-sexual body parts as sexual (eg. shoulders!). It sexualizes the female form to the point where there is literally no safe place for a man to look.
and finally... while i could go on about this for quite a while... the biggest problem with what the purity culture teaches men is the way it instills in them a sense of shame and unworthiness, a certainty of damaged goods akin to what is instilled in girls, and completely overlooks, disregards, and trivializes the concept of grace.
God's grace.. grace that is greater and bigger and wider and deeper than any sin or shame or scars or screw-ups. Grace that says 'neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more', grace liberally bestowed upon us by God that says that your past does not define you and that perfect love casts out fear and there is no fear in love and there is no condemnation now for those who are in Christ Jesus.
See, that's the biggest thing they miss - they always miss - when purity becomes fear based shame laden behavior modification.
They miss grace.
And without grace, there is no Gospel, and without the Gospel there is no Christ and without Christ there can never pursue true purity no matter how hard we try.
so what if, instead of policing people's behavior and concocting extra-biblical reasons to shame them - which only furthers fear and loathing - we focused on the grace that is greater than it all?
may we always remember that grace is greater...and extend that same grace to others
(....and for heaven's sake, ditch the guilt-trippy books!)
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