"but what does that mean practically?!" I half-wailed aloud at 10pm last night before slamming my forehead into my mattress in frustrated confusion.
the question at hand was a result of my insistence that my boyfriend and I, as I put it, 're-evaluate boundaries', and, consequently, I found myself both miserable and stumped.
not that we didn't already have boundaries - some of them set by my parents, and some set by us - but they were much more general than I had been taught they ought to be, and therefore it seemed the right thing to, as i put it mentally, 'lay down some real concrete boundaries'.
so I, in complete earnest, wanted to know "what NOT to do". Give me a list, tell me exactly what is and isn't allowed, and I'll be good. right?
His response wasn't quite what I'd expected. Apart from pointing out a few things we both had just assumed were a given... "Yield to God, and trust Him...if we want this to be of God, then we let His Spirit and Word guide. Not man-made rules of how we 'ought' to be"....
...which resulted in my aforementioned reaction, and this morning, reading my devotional, I realized just what was wrong.
see, it wasn't that we didn't have boundaries. we do.
it wasn't even that we weren't abiding by aforementioned boundaries. we are.
the real issues, I'm realizing, is that I want my old trusty relationship rules.
(my sister gave me the epitome in loving sister looks - the one that screamed, "You're being an idiot and you know it and i know it so snap out of it" - when I asked for the legalistic relationship books last month)
but, I still want a spelled-out list of what to do and what not to do.
i want the ten commandments of us.
things like
"you must sit at least six inches apart at all times"
or
"all hugs other than side hugs are prohibited"
and
"don't ever get into a car alone with him".
because if you give me a cache of commandments, a list of rules, then... the rules are responsible. not us. the rules will do all the work, and the rules are...quite frankly... easier.
It is much easier to adhere to a list of man-made rules and regulations, as opposed to walking with God, and trusting Him to live through me as I seek Him.
because the rules don't require you to grow in grace, or walk with Christ. they don't necessitate a real relationship, and they definitely don't teach self control. which is part of why I say that they are easier.
it's so much easier to, for instance, say that we won't hug other than side hugs...or never hold hands...or never be alone with the other person unless you're married...as opposed to actually practicing patience and discipline and prudence and self control and all those things which are thoroughly impossible in our own strength.
see, a legalistic approach to purity, I'm coming to realize, completely operates without God. it operates without the power of the Holy Spirit, and relies on pure human willpower. Hence the rules. because if I am perfectly honest, I have found myself focusing more on 'whether or not I'm being wrong by the purity rules' as opposed to 'whether or not what I am saying, doing, or thinking is glorifying to God'. I've been so caught between 'I really like him' and 'oh my gosh, what if i mess this up!?' that I've completely taken my eyes off of Christ. i want to lose weight so i can be good for him. i want to make this perfect. i want to make my parents happy. i want to make him happy. i want him and I am afraid of my own desires and wants, and somehow between the past few weeks' stress and forgetting to eat, I haven't focused on Christ at all.
but and i wonder what would happen if, instead of being so fixated on purity..the do's and the don'ts and micromanaging...I focused on Christ. I focused on His love for me, and how I could best glorify Him in each and every situation I find myself in.
and this morning's devotional from 2 Corinthians, "beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit"...okay...but how?
"perfecting holiness in the fear of God"
If I focus on the fear of going wrong, or the fear of being impure and making my boyfriend fall, or the fear of him not loving me anymore, then my focus is in the wrong place. My focus should be on God. to fear Him and love Him and serve Him and glorify Him and glory in Him.
and out of that focus, flows purity... and self control... and freedom.
and I don't know about you, but I would far rather find my purity flowing from a celebration of the freedom from the shame-chains of the past that has been granted me through Christ, rather than one which stems from fear based legalistic behavior management.
wouldn't you?
so I guess that leaves me right back where I started at the beginning of the year... a phrase which is becoming somewhat of a motto for me
'run as hard and as fast as you can towards Christ.. and everything else will fall into place'
indeed
No comments:
Post a Comment