On Eurekas

Eurekas are easy.

Well, not easy, but they're shorter. They're a moment of awesome (or aweful) clarity, and they change your world.

But the really hard part is what happens afterwards.

For instance, I can realize that my eating disorder is going to kill me, and that when I'm fifty I don't want to look back and regret spending my time obsessing over my weight instead of living life. That takes a while to get there, but once you're there, it's a eureka moment. And if you let it happen, it's not hard. In fact, it feels wonderfully freeing.

What's hard are the weeks and months ahead, the ones in which you can see your body changing, gaining weight, gaining flesh, growing out of the cute skinny clothes into ones which flatter your normal weight when you're not obsessing over everything you consume, struggling not to step on the scale first thing in the morning, weighing yourself without cringing - all that is the hard part.

The very very hard part.

Because it's hard not to revert when you notice you've put on weight. It's hard not to skip a meal when you notice your pants getting tighter because you bought size zeroes and you can't fit those anymore. It's hard not to obsessively exercise when you look at yourself in the mirror, and it's hard to train your mind to see a size 4 or 5 as healthy instead of unbelievably fat.

But it's worth it.

It's never not worth it.

For your life, your future, your hope. For everyone who loves you. For everyone you love.

It's always worth it.