Chances are, if you grew up under the Christian purity movement, you have some notion of the idea of "emotional purity". This is the mindset that emotional attachment to a person of the opposite gender is inherently impure, evil, and to be suppressed, since your duty is to "guard your heart". However, looking back on the literature and ideology of the Emotional Purity Movement, I've realized it had far greater repercussions on the way I viewed myself and any interaction with guys than I had initially realized. So, here's a list for you of the take home messages I received from "emotional purity" and why I now disagree with these messages and ideas. And while experiences differ, I hope someone at least can relate :)
1. "Guarding your heart" (ie. stifiling any romantic attraction, emotion, or impulse until your marriage) is the single most important thing (besides staying a virgin) that you can do to ensure a fulfilling marriage.
WRONG! Seeking to love, serve, and honor GOD is the single most important thing you can do to ensure a blessed marriage...imo at least.
2. If you fail to save every single "first" for your future spouse, you are damaged goods
Umm...The most damaging thing is believing you are damaged goods! You are worth ever so much more than whether or not you've ever held hands with a guy.
3. Don't smile at a guy, look at a guy, or talk to a guy because it could be misinterpreted as flirtation
This one makes me so angry. Deliberate flirtation is one thing, but if you smile innocently at a friend and they interpret it as flirtation, the onus is on THEM not on YOU!
4. Deep platonic friendships with the opposite gender are impossible. In fact, deep platonic relationships with the opposite gender are in direct opposition to emotional purity.
Can I just say that from personal experience, it is completely possible to have close friendships with guys and not have any romantic attachment to them at all! Friendships teach you how to freaking relate to the opposite gender in a healthy way!
5. Romantic attraction is a failure to properly guard your heart
I'm sorry, but romantic attraction is not something you can control per se. The heart does as it wills. You have a choice of how you react to the attraction but you cannot control who you are initially attracted to.
6. Crushes are the result of a failure to guard your heart
I really wish this movement would stop considering crushes as a sin and instead teach young people how to deal with them in a God glorifying way. Nowhere in the Bible does it say crushes are a sin btw. They're normal parts of growing up. If a crush becomes an idol it's not a crush anymore.
7. Flirting is one of the biggest sins a woman can commit
Please, define flirting for me. Because the way the movement teaches it, any interaction with the opposite gender can count as flirting.
8. Each time you date/fall in love, you give away an irreplaceable part of your heart.
...So this means that the more you love, the less capable you are of love?? Imo it's the other way around! The less you love, the less you can love.
9. The part of your heart reserved for your future spouse shrinks with each piece of your heart that you "give away".
Can you show me where in the Bible it says this? Only God should have your whole heart anyway while we're at it! This is the same logic as saying that your youngest child will have the smallest part of your heart because you've given away pieces of your heart to your other kids.. How does this make sense?!
10. The Bible commands emotional purity. "Guard your heart with all diligence"
Go look at the context. Go. (It's Proverbs 4:23) Look at the context. Note that nowhere does it say "Do not ever fall in love"!
11. Your heart is evil, incapable of good, and the source of all evil.
(Jeremiah 17:9) Umm...yeah, and later in Jeremiah it ALSO says that God promises to take out our old heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh so we can follow and serve Him wholeheartedly.
12. Becoming emotionally attached to a man that you are not in a parent-permitted courtship with is sinful
Again, where in the Bible is this?!
13. Falling in love? There's no such thing. Emotional love is wrong and unbiblical
*raises eyebrow* "And Jacob loved Rachel...."
14. Your job is to keep yourself pure so that you may give your husband the "greatest gift": You, untouched emotionally or physically by any other.
The greatest gift you can give your future spouse is to be someone who pursues Jesus whole heartedly. NOT someone who is proud and judgmental because they are "pure".
15. Your future spouse will be glad you reserved your whole heart, soul, and emotions for him and fully appreciate all the sacrifices you made.
There is no guaranteeing this. At all.
16. If you keep your emotional virginity intact (and yes, emotional virginity IS a thing), then you will experience greater marital trust and success
Communication, communication, and more communication is the key to trust. Communication, honesty, and transparency matter way more than whether or not you've ever liked a guy.
17. Women are emotionally wired, therefore it is impossible for a woman to NOT become emotionally attached to a man she is close to
I am quite sure this idea was invented by either men who led women on OR dreamy out-of-touch-with-reality girls who see every man as potential marriage material. It is simply untrue.
18. Trusting a male enough to (*gasp*) have an honest, soul-deep conversation with him is bad. very bad. In fact, it's emotional adultery against your future husband.
Shaming women again? What's new... Remember, Jesus was friends with Mary and Martha, y'all. Plus, this idea only works if you buy into the idea that all unmarried men and women belong to their future spouse (who may or may not exist!)
19. Girls only have sex with guys that they have given themselves to emotionally.
So all those one-night stands? Those aren't sex?
20. You CAN be emotionally pure, and if you aren't, then you just need to read the scriptures more, pray more, and find an accountability partner
And what if, despite all your best efforts, you STILL "miss the mark"? Are you now damaged goods? Basically...
21. You are a princess and your husband will be a valiant prince who will claim your heart and hand as he sweeps you off your feet into the sunset. However, this can only happen if you remain completely pure.
Yeahh...about that...we live in a fallen world, remember? Fairy tales are not reality. If you fail to live up to an impossible standard of emotional purity, it doesn't mean you will have a ruined life!
22. Your emotions are always capable of being controlled.
No, they're really not. And there's nothing shameful about that. Even Jesus showed emotion for crying out loud (pun intended).
23. Emotional Purity will prevent heartache, heartbreak, and pain.
Try selling that line to the people who have been "emotionally pure" all their lives and now have no idea how to interact healthily with the opposite gender, open up, be vulnerable, and be transparent because they've been taught to suppress all emotion.
24. Hugging leads to emotional impurity because it is impossible to hug someone of the opposite gender (outside of your family) without being attracted to them.
Yeah, not all men are sex-crazed lunatic beasts, thank ye very much!
25. Emotional purity + Biblical courtship = Godly, Blessed Marriage
I firmly believe there is no one formula for a blessed marriage. Because I've seen people who've courted and are now miserable in their marriage. And I've seen love marriages which are some of the happiest marriages.
Honoring God in all you do, think, say, and in every relationship you enter will avail you much more in the long run than holding yourself to an impossible standard and shaming yourself over failure to adhere to it.
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