On Being Happy

I had a conversation yesterday with a friend I haven't seen in quite some time, and the topic of suicide came up. She mentioned a mutual friend of  ours who had completed suicide a few years ago, and as we both reminisced on his death, she commented that she would never have guessed he was suicidal since "He was always so happy!"

I must admit, I saw red for a moment there.

For the one hundred millionth time, if someone is depressed or suicidal or self harms or has an eating disorder, then they are the most accomplished actors and actresses that you will probably ever meet. They have been taught - oh so painfully - to keep their walls up and not let anyone in, because not only does no one understand, but after a while, people get tired of hearing of your problems and just dismiss them out of hand. Therefore their smiles are the most convincing, and their laughs are the most genuine, because it is a constant mask that they are forced to maintain for all who see.

But comments like that make my blood boil because we are so quick to believe the smile - so willing to believe the laugh - that we fail to look past that and truly understand what others are going through. There is a difference between sad and depressed. Sad is visible. Depression isn't always. In fact, it usually isn't.

And once more, I wish to God that people would stop believing the fake smile, and actually take the time to look into the eyes of those who are hurting and care enough to listen and understand without judging without being put off by the "I'm fine".

I can't tell you how many times I've told people 'I'm fine', and they just willingly accepted it as perfectly legitimate. And these were people who knew about my struggles, knew about my issues, and still believed me when I said I was fine.

*Here's a hint: fine is never fine, especially if a girl tells you she's fine*

Seriously, though, please I beg of you, do not assume that fine means fine. And do not assume that simply because someone smiles, they aren't depressed or suicidal or self harm or have an eating disorder! Smiles can be so deceiving. The mirror can lie. And the happy facade is usually just that - a facade.

So, quite frankly, always seeming happy in public, or when you're with other people, doesn't mean a damn thing.

It's how you are behind closed doors when you don't have to put on the mask for anyone, that truly matters. When you break down, and don't wish to live anymore.

And unless you have seen that side of a person, please don't assume that they're happy.

Just don't.