On Learning to be Lonely

They say every woman's dream is to find her true love. 

I don't know how true (or false) that might be, but for me, it was definitely true.

My greatest desire was always to marry and raise children.

In part because I believed that it was the best way to serve God - as a Stay At Home Mom - but mainly because I love children, and I am an incurable romantic.

My dream prince was tall and handsome with blue eyes and either blonde or black hair - it didn't really matter so long as it was wavy - and well let's just say someone watched too much Disney growing up!

I grew up eating, drinking, and breathing romance, princes, princesses, dragons, knights, damsels in distress, and the ubiquitous "true love".

I don't remember quite how old I was when I realized it was all untrue.

After all, what Disney princess do you know of - who finds her prince and a happily ever after - that isn't white? And has gorgeous blonde hair? Or short black hair? Or curly red hair?... You see my point? It doesn't happen. Tiana is an exception, and no one really considers her part of the core Disney trio anyways.

I also figured out that it doesn't really matter what a girl's character is like, so long as her skin is fair. She could be a complete airheard, or she could be an absolute snob, but so long as she is white and pretty, it doesn't really matter. Plus, I've never been good at the whole 'meek and quiet' thing.

But through a series of events far too involved and lengthy to go into in detail here, I have learned that pure, upstanding, clean cut men do not fall in love with girls like me. Good homeschool boys marry other good homeschool girls.

They do not marry volatile, wounded, damaged, self destructive, scarred, short, curvy brown girls with a history of pain and heartbreak. They do not fall in love with girls who are not pure, or who have done things which even the most liberal Christian would gasp in horror if they knew. They most certainly do not love girls who look a fright first thing in the morning, and need three pounds of makeup in order to look even semi attractive. They do not marry girls whose skin color instantly brands them "sexy" and "exotic". They just do not.

They marry tall pretty blondes. Or short vivacious redheads. Or brunettes. But not dark girls. Never dark girls.

I guess in a way, this realization is a relief.

I am too damaged to be loved, too complicated to be understood, too intense not to frighten away anyone who dares venture underneath the happy fairy mask which I display to the rest of the world.

My past, in addition to the fact that I am not white, forms a rather compelling case against falling in love with me. Especially if you are a good Christian homeschooled boy - you know, the kind that my dad wouldn't immediately run off the premises with a shotgun. ;)

I want children but I shall never have them, because I would not willingly inflict my depression upon an innocent child.

I want love but I shall never have nor accept it, because I could not expect a man to put up with my volatility, hurt, scars, and past. Neither could I truly believe that the love of a man can be true.

Therefore, I am learning, slowly but surely, how to resign myself to a future in which it will be just me, and perhaps a few friends. No marriage, no children, no husband. No one to kiss me awake, or make lunches for, or sing to sleep.

And it is a rather terrifying prospect, looking down the years, and knowing that what you wish for more than anything will never come to pass, but perhaps it is better this way. For all concerned.

I am learning to be alone.

I am learning to be lonely.