Tale as Old as Time... On Beauty and the Beast.

I adore Beauty and the Beast. 

And quite frankly, always have. 

Ever since I was a wee thing, and discovered my first fairy tales, I've loved that story above all others. No matter that Cinderella was my first fairy tale, or that I'm secretly a mermaid (Ariel), and have been nicknamed Pocahontas more times than I can count, and when I wear Indian clothes I am instantly dubbed Jasmine.

I love Belle. 

After all, she's not even a Princess. She simply loves to read and longs for an adventure beyond her small world. 

Boy, can I ever relate! 

I can't count the number of times I've pulled a Belle - aka, nose in a book, completely oblivious to my surroundings, as I walk through either my house, school, church, the library, etc. Never mind that it usually ends in a rather loud crash...and bruise on my part... ;) 

She's also a bit more progressive than Gaston, who insists that her destiny is as his little wife...yet another similarity between the two of us. She loves to dance, is willing to look past appearances, and would do absolutely anything for her family. 

Plus, she sings ;)

My ideal romance went something along the lines of Beauty and the Beast. While I, of course, longed for a Prince, I didn't really care if he had a dark past, or was frightening, or caused others to run in terror, as long as there was something deeper, sweeter, underneath just waiting to be cultivated. 

Well, this lasted only until my first boyfriend. 

Within the first week or so of our relationship we had decided that we were Belle and the Beast. After all, I loved to read and adored adventure. He believed himself a monster, and had done unspeakable things, and I swore my love could save him the same way Belle's love transformed the Beast back into a Prince. 

A month into our relationship we had decided upon a Princess Bride themed wedding, and a honeymoon in Disney World disguised as Belle and Adam - which, if you don't know, is the Beast's proper name. 

A month and a half into the relationship, he sent me "If I Can't Love Her", from Beauty and the Beast Broadway, claiming that was the way he felt, and would always feel about me. I sent him "Something There", back. 

His nickname for me was angel, because he said that was the role I played in his life - that of an angel, encouraging him to keep fighting. I returned the favor by promptly nicknaming him alpha, playing along with our mutual love for wolves, and our Beauty and the Beast theme. 

He talked about our future together as though it was already settled, asked me to marry him, and we even discussed kids, where we'd live, what sort of wedding we'd have, where we'd have the honeymoon, and what to do with the in-laws. 

But, two months later, he went ahead and broke my heart after all. 

I spent hours trying to convince him he wasn't a monster, I loved him and would do anything for him, and that he wasn't irredeemable. He swore his undying love for me, promised he would wait as long as it took for us to be together, and that I was beautiful and worthy and he promised he loved me. 

I poured everything I had into him. Love, heart, emotions...soul, even. Because, after all, "a thing must be loved before it is lovable", right? He couldn't be expected to love me without me first loving him because he had never experienced true love before. His seriously abusive upbringing, his murder filled past, and the sordid things he had done all contributed to his "for who could ever learn to love a beast?" mindset. 

Well, silly, naive, little me thought I could. 

Boy, was I ever wrong! 

Because Beauty and the Beast is beautiful on screen, in animated characters, and far distant from reality. But in real life it doesn't work like that, and thinking your love can save a beast is such idiocy because when he leaves, you'll be broken. 

After he broke up the relationship because "it hurt too much" (whatever that means!), I was completely destroyed. Shattered. It was months before I could even genuinely smile again. It's been over a year since it all happened, and there are still days when the memories come around and knock me breathless with hurt, betrayal, and pain. I want to go back to my younger self, slap her soundly across the face, and tell her that Beauty and the Beast is just that. a beautiful myth. 

It's not true! 

There's a quote..."I cried over you, and I don't mean just shedding a few tears. I mean collapsing and screaming at the moon". That's about the adequate description of what happens when you're silly enough to think that your love can save a Beast. 

You don't save him. He ruins you. He destroys you. He breaks you. 

You become the very monster which you try to save him from, and internalize his pain, make it your own, and carry the staggering weight of it around with you for the rest of your life. And if you're unable to cope with the pain of his past, the betrayal he inflicted upon you, and the scars he carved into your heart, then what do you do? 

I don't want him to have ruined Beauty and the Beast for me forever, but I fear he might have. Instead of me saving him, I turned into a monster. The skills I used to cope with the pain he inflicted upon me both saved and destroyed me. It saved my life, and destroyed my future. 

And I don't know if I can ever look at that tale the same way again. Perhaps I'm just a foolish girl who doesn't know the difference between fairy tales and real life, but I hinged my entire future on the belief that Beauty and the Beast love stories could occur in real life, only to have it all dashed to pieces at a moments notice. 

I still adore it, but for me it will always be a bittersweet reminder that some things are not meant to be, and some loves are lies, and sometimes no matter how hard you try and how much you love, you cannot save people. 

You can't. 

You can only love them.

And pray to God it does not destroy you instead.