Even among Christians, forgiveness can mean anything from 'refusing to allow their behavior to affect your life', to 'not holding something against someone', to 'reinstating them in your life, and giving them back the trust which was broken when they hurt you'.
I promise I'm not just rambling, though. I do have a rather specific reason for this post, even if it's just something I need to get off my chest!
You see, someone I used to know messaged me last night....and wished to catch up, since it's been roughly a year and a half since we last spoke.
I met this young man almost two years ago through some online classes I was taking at the time, and, well, one thing led to another, and we ended up friends. We were both the oldest child of seven, and after a couple shared study groups, we hit it off.
We both swore we were not romantically interested in each other, we just happened to share several common interests, including guitar, guitar, and....guitar. Well, that, and The Sound of Music.
*Note to self: allowing a guy to nickname you 'Fraulein', and then nicknaming him 'Captain' in return probably isn't the smartest idea if neither of you claim to be more than friends...*
At any rate, it all escalated rather quickly. Even though he lived in an entirely different state - and time zone, for that matter - we started making plans to meet up, and I believe we even compiled a rather lengthy list of things to do when we finally saw each other.
He confided in me, and I in him, and within literally two weeks of talking, I referred to him as my best friend. He teased me about my height and called me hot and exotic. He made me laugh, and, well, I vehemently denied it at the time, but if I'm being totally honest, I enjoyed being appreciated, and I hadn't yet learned the sheer idiocy of trust.
He told me his worst secret - that he had kissed a girl - and I, in turn, and partly to make him feel better about it, confessed that I'd read several things that I ended up regretting. His response? "Well, God loves you, and I still think you are a beautiful person inside and out."
That night we officially made a pact to pray for each other, and be honest about our struggles.
I was ecstatic. Finally, I though, I had managed the elusive 'just really close friends with a guy'!
I mean, sure he confused me every now and then with his tendency to ignore me for periods of time, and then make up for it by being super sweet. He was by turns kind and caring, and distant and detached. His apology was always a quote from Patience by Guns n Roses.
But I assumed that was what guys did, and, well, I trusted him. I trusted that he cared about me, that he sincerely meant what he said, that he wouldn't lie to me, and that we were friends.
After all, he was a Christian! I didn't have anything to fear from a Christian guy, now, did I?
Three weeks or so after we started talking, he decided that we should, in his words, 'take a step back' and not talk at all over Thanksgiving break. I agreed, and tried to convince myself that I had been thinking the same thing as well.
So, we didn't talk for a week.
Then, he talked to me for a day, and told me we were back to being friends just like normal, but then, without so much as a by-your-leave, decided he was back to not talking to me. Only this time, he didn't bother to ask my opinion. He simply decided it all on his own, and ignored me for another entire week, leaving me to frantically wonder just what it was that I did / said wrong in order to deserve such treatment.
I was never right and he was never wrong. I found myself carefully deliberating over every text I sent, afraid of saying something wrong, afraid of being chastised, and walking on eggshells. Then the real mind games began.
He spent a month on/off ignoring and sweet talking me, and accusing me of making things up when I asked him why he was acting the way he was. Finally, he came out with the announcement that we were through, since, supposedly, I had become 'emotionally attached', therefore, he was ditching the entire friendship.
All I remember was pain. Pain and disbelief and.....shock. I do vaguely remember furiously texting a friend that "...I'm me!! I'm 'emotionally attached' to book characters, for crying out loud! And if you're my friend, yes I'm going to care about you. Yes, I will worry if you don't talk to me, and yes I will do all in my power to help you, take care of you, and quite honestly, if you're my friend, I love you. I will do anything for you. It's not wrong, its just how I am. I care way too much. But is that a reason to break off the friendship?"
My friends were divided between, "what is wrong with you? stop being an idiot. its all your fault.", and "what a jerkhead!"... but the former rather outnumbered the latter. Between carefully hiding my heartbreak from my family, mother's back giving out on her, and frantically searching through my books on 'how to relate to guys' to figure out what I did wrong, I was a mess that Christmas.
After all, he took no responsibility for the entire fiasco, choosing instead to pin all the blame squarely on me. So, I dealt. I learned to hide my feelings, politely smile and say 'oh?' when he came up in conversation, and renewed old friendships.
Well. About a month after breaking off the friendship with me, he proceeded to get into a relationship with a mutual friend of ours, who also happened to be my best girlfriend at the time. Long story short, he played her, broke her heart, and moved on.
The last conversation he and I had ended with him ordering me to erase all of our conversations, and basically, delete our friendship. He called my friend and I terrible names, and I was sure I never wanted anything to do with him again. Not only did he play with my heart, play with my emotions, manipulate me, and play mind games galore, but he would flatter me and tell me how special I was to him, and then treat me as if I mattered not at all.
However, as of late, I was forced to contact him in order to determine the fate of a blog that he and I had started along with another mutual friend. He replied, telling me to ask our friend, said he had missed me and wondered how I was doing, and when I replied saying that I was well and had already talked to our mutual friend who said to ask him, he ignored my reply for three months.
Last night, though, he messaged me wanting to catch up, apologized for being an immature jerk, and, when we said goodnight, promised to "talk more, soon".
Which got me thinking.
What does forgiveness - true forgiveness - mean?
Does it mean I am kind and sweet and caring towards him? Or does it mean I am merely civil?
Does it mean I trust him? Or does it mean I keep him at arms length?
Does it mean we are back to being friends? Or does it mean that I remain cautious?
I guess, what's bothering me is, if I truly believe that everyone - no matter what they've done - deserves a second chance, then I am honor and duty bound to give him one as well.
However, does that mean I place myself back in a position of caring for someone who consistently hurts me? Is that the definition of "love your enemies, do good to those who hurt you and despitefully use you"?
I don't know... what do y'all think? I'd love some feedback on this issue.
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