Friends?

And if you ever wonder why I say I should not have friends - this is why: 

Because I will destroy myself regularly yet I cannot bear to see you hurt.

I will shut you out - or attempt to - repeatedly until you grow sick of me and leave.

I will lie to you when you ask how I am, in order to protect you and keep you as far away as possible from this mess I have made of my life. 

I will get jealous easily of your other friends, even though I have no right to, because I am sure they are far more amazing than I could ever be and I know I cannot compete

I will expect you to believe every single truth I tell you about yourself, yet I will believe 

very little, if anything, of what you tell me about myself unless it's negative.

In that case I shall believe you without question.

I will break down at times, shut down, shut off, and either disappear, or refuse to be talked down. 

I will notice any and every change in the way you speak to me, no matter how small, and if you suddenly become distant with no explanation, I will not only wrack my brains for any

and everything I have done which may have offended you, 

but I will also then convince myself that you hate me and wish never to speak to me again

I will not trust you with me - i refuse to be broken again - nor will I ever truly 

believe that you care for me in spite of all my fault and flaws.

But most of all, if you are my friend, no matter how you treat me, no matter what you do,

I will still love you and that terrifies me, because 'to love is to destroy' 

and oh, how I want to keep you whole!

 - s.v.