How Much Change Can A Year Produce?

This morning I was chatting with a friend who I haven't seen in over a year, but who I hope to see in under a month, and, well, I'm simultaneously super excited and really terrified because I've changed a lot over the past year in almost every way, and what if we meet and either he doesn't recognize me, or expects me to look like my profile picture?!

I'm not remotely that pretty in real life ;)

And I do realize that not everyone judges on appearance, most especially this particular friend, but my brain started spinning when he asked me how I had changed.

I don't know that I can list all the ways!

However, for the sake of an (at least partial) intellectual exercise and somewhat of a character sketch, I shall at least attempt to do his question justice here.

Since last April, which was when I first met the friend in question, so much has happened in my life... so very much.

I am no longer a naive, wide eyed innocent. I do not trust men, I do not trust women, I, as a rule, do not trust.

I never call guys my brother or best friend anymore, since I have seen that fall apart far too many times.

I gave my testimony thrice - twice in front of a hundred kids - and realized that what I've dealt with are not topics generally discussed by mainstream Christianity, yet they need to be talked about.

I drastically improved my makeup - new concealer, and started wearing lipstick.

I bleached my arms and face because I got sick of my super dark thick hair.

My friend put peekaboo highlights into my hair, so now I have bleached blond streaks under the top layer of hair.

Which, speaking of hair, I cut a good eight inches off of my hair a month ago in addition to cutting layers and quasi-bangs.

I bought colored contacts, and stopped wearing glasses except when unavoidable.

I've also largely dropped the girly girl act along with Fascinating Womanhood and The Fascinating Girl and all the other 'Godly Womanhood/Femininity' books I thought would help me get a Godly husband.

I've decided I do care whether or not I marry, because I'm not impervious to loneliness, and I adore children, but I tell people I am never getting married because expectation is the root of all heartache, and I am a hard person to love.

I cut for a year and a half.....and only recently stopped but the addiction still continues.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Mild Anxiety....both of which I've been on meds for.

I have cultivated an intense dislike for self righteous, judgmental Christians, not only because I believe them to be opposed to all Christ taught, but also because I have yet to see how sinners may be brought to Christ through shunning and hatred.

I spent a week in a psychiatric ward, and I've tasted, not only the horrors of such a place, but also the good things, yet I still know what it is like to wake up screaming in terror, begging to never be sent back.

I still struggle with anorexia, and I've entirely lost my careless relationship with food after not eating for weeks at a time.

I've discovered that I love metal, rock, and bands like Memphis May Fire, Black Veil Brides, Sleeping with Sirens, Fall Out Boy, Skillet, Red, Disciple, and others which my parents generally disapprove of because 'metal is of the devil', to which I say, 'maybe it is, but those songs saved my life'.

I've brushed up on my WWII history, and discovered that I really do enjoy reading war history, not just war fiction.

I've also read a good deal of theology, social commentary, and, as y'all know, I now have my own blog, which has been immensely useful in sorting out my thoughts.

I attempted suicide badly enough to end up in the ER, and I still have nightmares / flashbacks of that night.

A friend literally saved my life because he cared enough to get me help instead of keeping the fact that I was suicidal to himself.

I've learned how to feed, water, hay, wash, lead, and groom over fifteen horses by myself...and fill the feed buckets for the next feeding.

I've taken care of five children (ages 12 to 6 months) for seven weeks almost singlehandedly

I, at the insistence of my friends, started a YouTube channel and posted ...one...cover.

I graduated High School...finally..!!

I've talked friends through everything from miscarriages to self harm to suicide to demonic encounters, and been told there's something about me which just makes people trust me.

I've discovered that not all Christians are narrow minded and judgmental..and that sometimes the least biased ones come from places which seem like they should produce just that.

I've stopped swearing, even in my journals....which, in retrospect, I regret ever doing since it was mainly caused by my ex...and to look cool for him.

I've had my heart ripped out and trampled on the floor more times than I can count, and been utterly broken and destroyed more times than I can count in the past year alone.

I finally - finally - read hundreds of books that I should have read before, and, in consequence, now I really want a dog... or a horse.

I can't remember the last time I painted my nails.

I wrote close to 80 songs, none of which are really any good.. and I've written a whole lot of poetry as well.

I finally learned how to play my guitar, and I stopped taking piano lessons in favor of voice lessons.

I participated in my favorite musical of all time - namely, Les Mis - which was an absolute dream come true!

I've learned how to deal (in part) with boys who think they love me or think they have crushes on me.

Instead of getting hysterical when I'm stressed out, I'll shut down.

I've actually done serious research and determined my personal stance / worldview on ever so many topics, which I am sincerely glad about!

And I'm sure there are more.....I just can't think of them at this point ;) But, I guess, looking back, I've changed so much over the past year I don't even know if I'm really the same person.

I'd like to think I am, and in some ways I am, but in many others, I've learned and grown so much that I hardly am!

Now, if only I could figure out where I go from here..... ;)

<3 Tirzah