{change?}

I'm gonna be honest. 2016 has been less than fantastic so far.

Partly due to things I had no control over, partly due God trying to teach me lessons and me ignoring them, and partly just due to the fact that life rarely goes according to plan. And, partly, because eating disorders are hard to shake, and even though you may think you've recovered, it's not always that simple.

And it's all fine and well to say 'fall seven times, stand up eight', but what do you do when you've tried everything in your power to get better, and yet, somehow, keep falling down?

So, between one thing and another, I wound up in church this morning nursing my coffee and a splitting headache, along with a profound sense of 'utterly hopeless'.

The sermon this morning, though, grabbed my attention from the beginning.

See, it was on the life of Paul, and how God often uses the biggest messes for His greatest glory. Because your past doesn't make you hopeless, and there is always redemption at the feet of Jesus. The bigger the mess before Christ, the more amazing His grace.

"Can anyone, regardless of their past, experience the life change and power of the Grace of God?", my pastor asked. "The answer of the Bible", he continued, "is a resounding YES".

And I desperately needed that reminder....because just that morning, I'd worried aloud to a friend, 'what if I never get better?' What if i struggle with this eating disorder my whole life long?

I was truthfully reminded that whether or not I get 'better', God will use the things I've gone through for His glory, but....that's small consolation when you look down the tunneled years and all you see is darkness.

But, then the sermon started hitting closer to home...if that was even possible.

He went on to say that not only are we never to write off anyone as 'unreachable' (along the lines of the story of Paul), because God can change anyone...but... God also wants to change us, too... change is possible... but we can't change ourselves.

"Everyone wants to change something about themselves"

....i know I do. thinner, taller, prettier, smarter...the list goes on endlessly.

"Jesus wants to change you from within. He's fine with your outside. He wants to change you inside"

.......oh......because i've been feverishly trying to change the outside, make it all look good, even if perhaps i'm not fully healed on the inside.

"We can work all we want on trying to get the outside in shape, but He wants to get the inside in shape, and He promises to change you if you'll only let him"

the phrase, I believe he used, and I'm not sure where he got it, but it struck a chord with me, was "surrender your rebel will to His amazing love"...perhaps it hit me because I'm just about that stubborn.

rebel will, indeed.

He beautifully pointed out exactly what was wrong, and what I keep forgetting.

I can't do it in my own strength. 

I can't recover alone. 

Which, to be honest, I hate, because of how fiercely independent I am, but if this is gonna work, and if this is gonna last, then I need God to change me. I need Him to do His work in me, and stop trying so hard on my own.

I need to learn to ask for help - both from Him and others.

Because, it's true. I keep trying and trying and falling down because I keep trying to do it all in my own strength. But....I'm not the one who can change me. I can make it all look good on the outside, but in order to truly heal, God has to change me on the inside.

And I'm not naive enough to think that it will happen in a bolt of lightening flash and I'll never struggle again, but...He is the one who began His good work in me, after all, and He has promised that He will complete it - in His timing. Not mine.

Never mine.

But then again, perhaps the burden of trying to be better was never mine to begin with either. Maybe that can go to Him, and I can just live in His power not my own....

even that'd be a change.