To Listen to the Voice of Truth

I have a confession to make.

I am terrible with song lyrics. And by terrible, I mean...my siblings have even told me I'm terrible. I have a fantastic memory, so it's not forgetting the lyrics that I have trouble with.

It's hearing them in the first place!

I can listen to a song for years, and just remember it for one phrase, or the tune, and completely miss the entire rest of the song. I simply won't hear it. Or, the words won't connect in my head, and I miss the meaning entirely.... it's pretty bad.

The only benefit is that it quite frequently works in God's favor, because I'll turn on a song and not realize what the rest of the lyrics are, because I never bothered to listen in the first place, and God will start laughing.

Which, incidentally, happened today at work, and I bring this up because I've a feeling it will set the tone for the rest of this year's posts, or at least, a good majority of them.

A friend sent me a blog post today, during some down time at work, and I blithely clicked and began to read....and was immediately blown away and rendered speechless.

The post (here), centered around how this is the year to face your demons, to confront your fears, to go back into the pain and the hurt, with the God of the universe beside you, and drag all the old trunks full of wounds out into the light, and finally let them go and begin to heal. The author talked about the monsters hidden in the depths, the waves and wind of the storms we've walked through...the things we don't want to revisit, even if the hurt can only be healed by going back and facing them.

The closing phrases hit me hard.

"When you face your monster, the one that accuses you with the slimy voice of shame, the one that tempts you to arm yourself so that you are invincible, the God who created the birds in the sky and that which inhabits the deep waters is with you...it's time to face your monster". 

To be honest, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. It is still the last thing I want to hear. But it seems to be all I've been hearing from God in this new year... This is the year to go back and make peace with the past. This is the year He wants me to drag the wounds into His light, and finally let them go.

But i don't want to. I still don't want to. I've created one subterfuge after another over the past few weeks, slipping back into old habits in order to avoid having to confront the monsters that terrorize me. I don't want to have anything to do with them.

why? because, I realize, they terrify me. I have tried and tried to beat them, but when they come around, I am the one who ends up on the ground almost every time. I am not strong enough to beat them,

...and then the radio comes on. and it plays a song that I could sing backwards in my sleep, and yet somehow never actually heard.

'oh, what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
onto the crashing waves
to step out of my comfort zone into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
and He's holding out His hand'

(and He is...He has been...and I'm huddling in the corner of my little lifeboat, scared of monsters in the deep, as He crosses the waves on foot and holds out His hand.....)

'oh what I would do to have the kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors shaking in their armor
wishing they'd have had the strength to stand'

(i know this song....backwards and forwards...how did I not know the lyrics!?)

'but the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me,reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed.the giant keeps on telling me, time and time again, boy, you'll never win -you'll never win'. 

(and this is why I'm running away. because my giants - my monsters - assure me that no matter how hard I may fight, I will never win. I will never truly be free. i will always be the same pathetic loser trapped in the same cycle of pain, bound by the chains of my past)

'but the voice of truth tells me a different story. the voice of truth says 'do not be afraid'and the voice of truth says 'this is for My glory - out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth'

And right then and there, I decide. I will choose to listen to the God of the universe, who swears that 'when you pass through the waters, I will be with you'. I will choose to listen to Him, and I will choose not to listen to the waves - listen to the monsters - listen to the demons - listen to the giants. I will do what He asks, and I will go back, and I will stand tall because He is beside me, and together we'll fight, and the giants will fall.

I take a shaky breath as the song ends, wipe my tears, and smile back at God...and the radio continues...with a new song, one that I always tune out...

'i face a giant, in over my head. help me to look up.
I take a deep breath and take the next step. though I may be weak, I know who is with me.and greater is He living in me than he who is living in the world
whatever may come, His strength is enough. my heart is at peace, for greater is He.'

( and God laughed as I gasped. )

'i face an ocean, the waves are raging. help me to look up.
You'll do what I can't, and I'll walk on dry land, I'll step out on the sea for I know who is with me.
and in His name, giants will fall, and in His name oceans will partand in His name, there's nothing we can't overcome'

.......I stood there, speechless, in the middle of the office, just astonished at God.

then i threw up my hands and started singing along, because what else do you do when God pulls out all the stops like that, but praise Him?

and I'm still not keen on the journey He's got me on, the path He's marked out for me this year. I'm not sure I can do it, I'm not sure I want to. 

But, as I was reminded recently by a favorite author of mine, "you have whatever strength God has given you, and it will be enough to carry out His good purpose in you. Trust in Him"

Trust in Him, indeed.. 

and so I shall.