{and hope)

Skillet, in one of my favorite songs of theirs, sings that 'these days, hope is hard to come by...faith is hard to find'.

and it's true.

i know it's true because i've been there. i've lived it. 

if you've followed my blog at all, then you know enough about me and my story to realize that there have been some exceedingly dark times - days when faith was impossible to find, and hope was utterly lost. 

the times i tried to convince myself that there was a life beyond what i saw in the moment quickly faded each time i picked up another blade, compelled by shame and despair, certain that i would never amount to more than the scars which littered my skin. 

day after weary day has dragged by, a hopeless fight against the darkness, fighting in my own strength, futile sword-swinging against an invisible foe.  

depression screams hopelessness as the Devil whispers condemnation, the nights when even music is not enough to keep my demons at bay.

i've been there night after night. week after week. month after month....year after year. 

i have written countless suicide notes - there have been endless failed attempts to end what felt like a futile struggle once and for all. i have slammed my head against my bedroom wall time after time, unable to sleep until the viciousness in my mind is silenced by blades.

i have bandaged midnight cuts and crawled back into bed to cry myself to sleep only to wake up the next morning, lipstick-smear a false smile on my face, and greet the world. 

i have shut the world out - closed my borders and locked my doors to keep out both those who would hurt me and those who prayed relentlessly for my healing. i have carved words into my body, visible tangible reminders of mental pain, which will never go away. 

i know - believe me, i know - just how insurmountable the darkness seems, whispering softly of death's oblivion. i know how it feels to ache for the crimson kiss of a razor blade, to bleed out all the emotions, and swathe your heart in comforting numbness. 

i have borne with shrieking harpies, callously pointing out each and every existent and nonexistent flaw to ever adorn your body. i, too, have woken in darkness, week after endless week, screaming, terrified of the visions in my sleep. i still do, sometimes. 

but there is a God and He is strong, and in His name we are more than conquerors. in His name i have learned to carry on, carried by His strength, borne by those who loved me even when i refused to look past the pain and behaved dreadfully towards them, lashing out in wounded anger and frustration. 

so if you're the guy or gal that's where i was a year ago, desperate for a reason to keep fighting, sinking into hopelessness, lost to despair, positive that even if by some miracle i managed to recover that no one could ever/would ever want me with the baggage i bore, hear me now and hear me forever when i say that there is hope.

there is freedom even in the midst of struggle, and there is joy even through the pain. your scars are someone else's freedom song. the wounding which you have endured is what will give another renewed strength, and give you a platform to speak where others must needs be silent. 

'you will need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. you will need other people. and you will need to be that person to someone else. a living screaming invitation to believe better things' because there are better things.

i promise you that there are better things, that the pain that you're feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. and just because all you see now is a world in which humans are all broken to bits and in misery doesn't mean that this is all there is. there is more. so so much more than that to this beautiful life. 

i swear there is a way to destroy what destroys you without destroying yourself, and even if they never completely leave, someday all that will remain are their bleached bones - the ghosts of former terrors.

but you must allow the shadows to die. do not give back life to what kills you. arm yourself with beauty, hope, love, laughter, faith, and light, and watch as the destroyers crawl groveling back into the misery from whence they came. 

it will be long and it will be hard and it will be a moment by moment struggle to decide to choose to live as though you believe the truth....and you may struggle, to some degree, for the rest of your life.

but hope is worth it. life is worth it. freedom is worth it...they will always be worth it. 

and for anyone who needs an extra shot of hope today, a reason to remember to keep fighting despite whatever may be coming your way, i promise you that there is more to life than pain. i promise you that there is an entire universe out there just waiting to hear your voice. you are irreplaceable and incredible and with your hand in His, He will lead you through the valleys and over the mountains to His fountains that never run dry. 

nothing is impossible, every chain is breakable. in Him we are victorious, we are more than conquerors. He will make you brave. He will be your strength. you are strong and brave in the love which He has for you. every giant will fall. 

the future holds a brighter day. the best is yet to come. no matter what you have done, no matter what has been done to you.. there is redemption there is recovery there is restoration and healing and wholeness in the hands of the Master Mender. 

there is strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. He is our Lighthouse, the peace in troubled seas, shining in the darkness, who keeps us singing on. He is greater - He is stronger than discouragement or despair or disappointment or failure or shame or guilt or grief or anything adverse against us. 

and even though it is hard to come by, even though sometimes (most times?) it seems hidden.... there is hope.

'so lift up your eyes, cause we're not forgotten. those who were broken are becoming the chosen. pray for the dawn, and we reach for the morning, and hope will lead us on.' 

don't you ever give up. 

because i promise it'll all be worth it in the end. 

i promise you there is hope. 

there is always hope.