{rest}

who knew that rest requires discipline?

i don't know about you, but when i think discipline, i think more. not less. i think pushing myself harder and faster and longer.

i do not think relaxation. i never think rest.

a very wise friend once told me that i do not rest. i do not allow myself to rest, whether that rest is letting my soul rest in God....or just physically resting in general.

and at the time i laughed, but i am growing to see the truth in that rebuke.

my body is exhausted Friday morning, sore and nursing a pounding headache. i still run, because running is prayer time, peace time, alone time and i need that.

however, there is no need to run five miles, a relatively new milestone achievement. the first mile is always hell - pure torment. and i loathe running laps. but by the time i was through two miles, God and i determined that it was not laziness to *only* run 5k this morning.

and He whispers that to rest requires just as much, if not more, discipline than running five miles.

thing is, i could spend forever justifying rest, and still not be satisfied. i could spend all day trying to convince myself that i did the right thing. but what good is it if i preach to others on the practical necessity of rest, and yet... in my book, there is no such thing as a rest day.

i am constantly engaged in a war with myself to do more, be more, strive more, push harder... and in some ways that has saved my life. in other ways, it drives me to the point of breaking time after time after time.. i start out enthusiastic, push myself far too hard, break, mend, and then repeat the cycle all over again.

running every morning. rising at 5am to workout before i run. it has been a constant for at least the last three weeks, probably more.

just yesterday i reminded my mother, reminded my boss, that to rest is not wrong; and to push yourself too hard means burnout, means failure, seals surrender. i would rather run slow and steady and long than to sprint short and sweet only to peter out within sight of the finish line.

so i shut down my mind, and run. run for freedom and hope and faith....and run to rest.

see, we live in a world so consumed with activity. everyone is constantly moving, in motion, doing something going somewhere, that we forget to just...be. we forget the necessity of rest.

we spend our lives living at breakneck pace. (where is the peace in all that? where is the allowance for the fact that our bodies are not machines which can run indefinitely... and if you know anything about technology, you'll know that even machines get overwhelmed)

the kids' track Coach says that you do not get stronger while running. you get stronger while resting. when your body is given the chance to recover, recuperate, restore and repair torn muscles and ligaments.

but that takes discipline.

it takes discipline to ignore the voices which call me lazy, call me weak, scream that if i just had enough willpower - if i had enough strength - i would be working instead.

and for this overachiever, it is more difficult to accept that i cannot constantly push myself to breaking point on no food, no sleep, no rest.... i have spent years living like that, and it is easier to exhaust myself than allow myself to do what i have always seen as lazy, unproductive, counterproductive, useless...rest is a foreign, unfamiliar, uncomfortable feeling.

'who needs sleep?' has been my mantra for literal years, and it is a learning curve to let myself rest, to go to bed at a decent hour, to train myself to take rest days.

and yes, there are times and will be times when you have no choice than to push through the unendurable exhaustion, but in the main?

it is harder for me to rest than to run.

which again goes back to that incurable stubbornness ingrained in who i am.. ask my family, ask my friends. they have stories.

rest, to me, equals weakness and lack of willpower, and i am not weak, will not be weak, refuse to be human.

but the verse of the day stops me in my tracks, renders me speechless.

'Take heed to yourself..everyone who competes for the prize is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a perishable crown, but we for an imperishable crown. Therefore, i run thus: not with uncertainty...i discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest when i have preached to others, i myself should become disqualified....meditate on these things, give yourself entirely to them, that your progress may be evident to all'

it is the same words which He gave me in the morning, that rest is not wrong, rest requires discipline, practice what you preach.

'my soul finds rest in God'.. my body runs a little more than three miles and then rests.

i am learning to take my own advice.

i am learning discipline in what is easily the hardest area for me:

i am learning to rest.