MassHOPE musings

So, now that we are safely home once more, i am free to share with you all that we spent the past weekend in Massachusetts, attending the annual MassHOPE homeschool convention. 

if you're familiar at all with my blog, you'll realize why that's significant, but, be that as it may, it was our first time attending as a family (which was an experience unto itself!), and i thoroughly enjoyed the weekend! 

wednesday evening packing brought waves of nostalgia, as i buried a teary face in my hands, overcome with emotions. The contrast between the anticipation with which i welcomed this year's conference, versus two years ago dreading it - dragged furious along for the ride, spending the preceding days frantically making bracelets to cover open wounded wrists - quite literally brought me to tears at the goodness of God. 

this year things are different, and i exult in the freedom, packing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (as per usual...they're my favorite, and i would rather not take chances on iffy - read:nasty - travel food), and come up with instant oatmeal for me and PK. 

thursday long car drives, the wind in our hair and Rich Mullins on top volume, arriving that evening to collapse in exhaustion on hotel beds, and i laugh in astonishment, because of how different it all is.

this year i pack razors without worrying about deconstructing one. this year i pack long sleeves because the weather is unpredictable, and not because i care about scars to hide. this year i even pack a swimsuit.

this year i walk into a convention center filled with 'pure' people, realizing that my persistent conviction of never being a 'good enough homeschool girl' is, to a large degree, gone. the sense of shame, the sense of impurity it is covered by His blood. this year i like my skin color, no longer wishing for white skin. 

friday morning predawn silence. i had forgotten how much i love working out before the rest of the world awakes. oatmeal eaten with plastic forks from mason jars (so classy), and we set out for day 1.

....i have had a single line running through my mind since waking up. it is this, that: 

"some of them remembered their long sleeves".. because it is what i was told last year, upon having a meltdown in reaction to my perception of everyone else's perfection.

and this year i run into a friend from last year, and her friend ( i will call her Emily ), and because of who i am and what i have come from, i notice things - like the To Write Love On Her Arms bracelet, and sharpie-drawn heart with semicolon, which adorn Emily's wrist - and my heart is full. I know. 

this year i refrain from re-purchasing the spiritual guilt trip emotional manipulation patriarchal books (which i do not believe anyways, and just use as punishment against myself). i have gotten rid of all the ones which i owned, and i take a deep breath for courage and refuse to buy them back.

this year i am able to say that i understand wounds. i am able to reach out, to remind one that God is always good, that He will use all things for His glory, because the pain and brokenness which i have been through gives me the ability to speak where others must be silent, and I begin to glimpse His redemption and it awes me. 

this year i attend the sessions which spark my interest, laugh over a seminar entitled "Homeschool Hints from Calvin and Hobbes" (Calvin and Hobbes, the boy and his stuffed tiger, not to be confused with Calvin and Hobbes, the theologians!)....

this year i meet Will Estrada, decide to get over my fear of looking foolish, and take pictures and ask for pictures - something previously impossible with my levels of anxiety and social awkwardness. but i have decided to live this life, and..well..'pictures or it didn't happen', and 'a life lived in fear is a life half lived', and Will quoted the full Winston Churchill 'never give up' quote, and i can't help but smile at God. 

this year Friday evening finds me on the treadmill, running instead of lashing out when frustrated, praying, giving thanks for my day and those i have met...to my shame, forgetting some names, resulting in several 'God bless what's-his-name!'s'

....versus last year Friday night crying, angry, watching Enchanted (even though Disney movies were a whole lot of precious nonsense)... last year him pleading, "I just want to go to bed friends. Can we do that?" and angry Asha retort, "Your project is shutting off her phone!"... i was so cruel, so hurt, so sure i would never recover, i would never be pure, he would never see me as equal. i was so hopeless. 

saturday sleepy slow morning, walking across to the hospital for breakfast. shopping with my little siblings one by one. the hilarity in all the ladies who were convinced that i was a young mother just starting homeschool, therefore spending hours listening to tips and talks on how my husband is such a lucky man (...numerous questions about how many children i have, their grades and ages, which i deflect with exclamations that 'i am only 18!')

this year i buy a necklace with a quote from a favorite song, a reminder from God, the last of its kind. 'you will make me brave. you call me out beyond the shore into the waves'. i quote back at a vendor Philippians 3:13-14 as we share a laugh. the passage is merely further confirmation of all that He has been teaching me over the past month. 

this year i find an author who is donating proceeds to mental illness. we converse, i buy two of her books and after reading two thirds of her first novel i am back to purchase the other. i do not remember the last time i bought all of an author's books in one day. 

by the time we leave, i have bought what i wanted, i have bought gifts for others, and i am afraid Ben and I had far too much fun with the fact that everyone automatically assumed we were mother and son. i have spent time laughing and running and perusing books and tending children and listening to seminars and i realize that i really do love homeschooling (and having been homeschooled) after all. 

...i am realizing that i truly do love this life which i have been gifted. 

this change is nothing short of astonishing...and i never even saw it coming, saw it happening. 

i read somewhere that 'isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different?'.

it is so true. somehow over the past year i have become a woman, i am seeing His hand in and on my life, i am learning and growing and changing and desire nothing less than to be a woman after His own heart. 

and it is freeing beyond words.