And The Truth Will Set You Free

For the past six months I've struggled with depression and guilt over a past relationship.

Trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out where my path now lies, independent of him. Trying to determine how much "damage" had been done to my heart, and beating myself up for my failure to remain absolutely pure.

I was so convinced that somehow it was my fault. Everything was my fault somehow. No matter that when asked HOW everything automatically became my fault, I couldn't give any concrete reasons for why I believed that. I found myself caught in a strange emotional state where I refused to blame him, yet, the burden of guilt was too heavy for me. So I relied even more heavily on destructive coping mechanisms. I dissected ever single aspect of the relationship trying to determine where I went wrong. I was slowly destroying myself.

Well, you know what? No more.

I've learned and am learning that it's not necessarily anyone's "fault". Sometimes it's timing that's just flawed. Sometimes it's outside sources that we have no control over. Or fate steps in. Sometimes your past comes back to haunt you, and damages things. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be, and no matter how much you may love someone, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes you need the pain, the heartbreak to wake you up and make you question beliefs and practices which you've always accepted as gospel but which were wrong all along. Sometimes love doesn't work out, but just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't real at the time. And sometimes our own desires hopes, fears, and dreams destroy us. 

But a life lived in fear (or shame) is a life half lived.

So today I choose to step out of the shadows, embrace life, love, and happiness, and let go of the past. 

It's a lesson I can't learn soon enough.

<3 Tirzah