"Be The Good Girl You Always Have To Be"

There seems to be an unspoken rule among Christians that troubles, depression, addictions, or temptation means that you have somehow failed in your walk with God and aren't "digging into the Word enough"(whatever that means!).

We all dress nicely and paste on a made up smile to go to our nice little churches where we sit neatly in a row listening to a sermon on what we can do to make ourselves better Christians, shake hands all around, "How are you, brother?" "Oh I'm good, praise the Lord, brother. How are you?" "I'm blessed and highly favored!" "Well, Amen, Praise the Lord!"...and on to the next person. We paste on false smiles, whitewash our lives, and the most genuine comment allowed is "Pray for me, I've been under some spiritual attack lately", to which the inevitable response is, "Oh I will pray for you" (even though you know they really won't), and a misquoted Bible verse on "rejoice in the Lord always" or "be anxious for nothing".

I had just turned 16 when Disney's "Frozen" first came out in theaters. The plot revolves around two sisters, one of whom has incredible power which can be used for good or destruction. And in an attempt to minimize the negative effect which her power could be used for, her parents teach her to conceal, hide, and don't feel in order to avoid hurting herself or others. While I initially enjoyed it, I didn't really connect with the film until Elsa started singing her iconic song, Let It Go. Hearing the song for the first time, when she reached the lyrics:

"Don't let them in/Don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal don't feel/ Don't let them know"

I got shivers down my spine as those lines hit home, and I recognized everything I had internalized about friendships and relationships from church, youth group, and homeschool group encapsulated in just a few short lines.

Too often, in Christian circles, we teach folk that in order to be "godly" we must be perfect. Fake it till you make it. Put on the good christian girl(or guy) mask. Pretend that life is always good and you're "blessed and highly favored" no matter what turmoil your world may be in. Anything can be solved by reading one's bible more or praying more. And if, by some chance, that doesn't solve all your problems, well then, you must not be close enough to the Lord. Either way, it's your fault. Put on a smile, suck it up, and move on. Paste on that happy face and fool the world.

For God's sake, don't talk about depression, let alone admit to being depressed! Don't talk about self harm or suicide or any other such uncomfortable disturbing topic! Don't talk about physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, or spiritual abuse, because we all know that physical/sexual abuse is the only valid form of abuse, right? Don't struggle with PTSD, bipolarity, insomnia, anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, lust, same sex attraction, drug/substance abuse, addictions, cutting, suicidal thoughts, schizophrenia, or any other mental illness. Don't ever have anxiety or panic attacks because God commands us to not be anxious about anything, right?

WRONG!

Of all the places I have ever been to, I've felt the least safe at church. I've looked around at everyone else's picture perfect lives and been convinced that I just wasn't reading my Bible enough or praying enough, therefore I was depressed. And the amount of guilt was overwhelming. The few people I did confide in either didn't understand, or told me that if I "drew closer to God", all my problems would be fixed. And those who DID understand and truly help me were those who would definitely not classify as your typical Christian. Those who had been through real struggles, the kind not traditionally discussed on Sunday morning.

They weren't your classic "good Christian girl/boy". They were... real. They had the same problems as ordinary people, and I felt safe talking to them about any and everything.

And I slowly began to learn that .. guess what? It's ok not to be perfect. It's okay to struggle, it's ok to fall down. You just can't let the struggle become your identity.

It's alright to be depressed. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Depression is a flaw in your genetic makeup, not a flaw in your character.

Self harm is an addiction and craving, but there's no shame in getting help. Those who deserve to be ashamed are those who would shame someone who is finally getting the help they need. The scars are just battle wounds.

All your problems are not always spiritual, and it's ok to be real. Spiritual and verbal abuse exist. Mental illness isn't always a spiritual problem and can't always be cured by quoting a Bible verse.

Personally, my heavy mask is finally cracking, and I'm learning to open up and that there's no shame in admitting to having a bad day, being depressed, relapsing, falling down, as long I get back up eventually. Letting people in isn't always a bad thing, you just have to choose who to open up to. If they can be real with you, then you can be real with them. But heaven preserve us from lip service whitewashed "perfect" Christians. Because, honestly, no one's that perfect and it would do us a great deal of good to admit it for once.

Maybe, just maybe, then more people would start being real with themselves and others, especially in the body of Christ.

It's past time to discard the masks.

<3 Tirzah