Harvey and Jesus

"And those seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music"

                        - Japanese Proverb

I don't know if any of you have seen or heard of the play Harvey, but I saw it for the first time recently, and was instantly struck by a bizarre comparison. 

Harvey reminds me, in a lot of ways, of our relationship with Jesus. 

Now for those of you who haven't seen either the play or the movie, let me explain. 

The story line revolves around a middle aged man, Elwood P. Dowd, whose best friend is an invisible 6'3" white rabbit known simply as Harvey. Elwood and Harvey are inseparable. They do everything together: go to concerts, play poker, frequent bars, and Elwood insists on introducing Harvey to everyone he meets. Needless to say, this penchant of his is met with suspicion, alarm, and outright hostility on the part of those around him. The entire town is convinced that he has gone insane. In fact, his own sister tries to get him admitted to a psych ward! 

Quite frankly, there are probably some who will read this and think the psych ward is where I should be for even attempting to make this comparison. But bear with me. 

See, there's a beautiful passage, where Elwood is depicting an evening spent with Harvey, and this is how he describes it:  

"Harvey and I sit in the bars...have a drink or two...play the juke box. And soon the faces of all the other people they turn toward mine and they smile. And they're saying, "We don't know your name, mister, but you're a very nice fella". Harvey and I warm ourselves in all these golden moments. We've entered as strangers - soon we have friends, And they come over. They sit with us. They drink with us. They talk to us. They tell us about the big terrible things they've dine and the big wonderful things they'll do. Their hopes, and their regrets, and their loves, and their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar. And then I introduce them to Harvey. And he is bigger and grander than anything they offer me, and when they leave, they leave impressed. The same people seldom come back; but that's envy, my dear. There's a little bit of envy in the best of us". 

And it struck me: This is how our relationship with Jesus should be. 

It should be the kind where, when people gravitate towards us to pour out their life stories, we simply introduce them to Jesus. 

Since He truly is "bigger and grander" than all else, and has the ultimate answers to life's questions, who better to lead people to? 

But, as with Elwood and Harvey, not everyone is willing to acknowledge the existence of what is unseen, and more often than not, they will leave, never to return. However, there are a few, few and far between, who will not only stay, but return for more.

As for those who leave, Elwood says it best. "That's envy, my dear."

Because nothing can come close to Christ's splendor, and to simply rest in Him without worry for the future, is enviable, and something that most people can't achieve on their own. 

So, I vote that we learn a thing or two from Mr. Dowd, and, simply keep introducing people to Jesus. Whether or not they care, whether or not they think we're crazy, whether or not they never come back again. 

There can be no greater task. 

Whether We Are White or Copper Skinned?

I never realized what an anomaly my family was at homeschool conventions or homeschool co-ops until recently we ran into another Indian family at one. The first I have ever met. And they were only looking INTO homeschooling. They weren't even homeschooling yet! 

See, my family is not your typical homeschooling family. We're brown. But more than that, we're Indian. Like, from India. 

And we are still the only Indian homeschool family to date that I know. 

For years I've felt like an outsider at homeschool conventions because I would look around and every single other person was white, with either brown or red hair neatly tucked into a bun, a traditional jean jumper or skirt, and a nicely demure aura, and there I was with my brown skin, long straight black hair hanging loose, jeans, and gauzy shirt. You can imagine the looks I got. 

And here's where it gets personal. 

Race is a very big thing in the homeschool community, I've discovered. Douglas Wilson has been skyrocketed into the spotlight for his classic white supremacist views, and his book excusing slavery in the American South, but before I even read his book I started having problems with a class I was taking at the time: Gileskirk Christendom, based on the beliefs of a certain Dr. George Grant. He portrayed Western Civilization, and, most notably white people, as the "greatest flowering of Christianity", and descrys the rest of the world as pagan, primitive, and ungodly. 

It's as if Christianity equals White. 

When I was 12 and 13 I had a mad crush on a young man who was a personal friend of our family. I thought he was fantastic. I adored him pretty much. But he was a good 7-8 years older than me and never realized my hopeless obsession. Before long I realized that there was no way he would ever fall for me, and I remember my mom telling me that it was hopeless because his mom would decide who he courted, and the girl he married would have to be white. (His mom was just that kind who read all the "white supremacy couched as christian" homeschool literature, and raised her kids on Westerns where white = good and dark = bad).  

After all, good upstanding white Christian homeschooled guys want a "clean" girl. They want someone with white skin and brown hair, who's tall and fair and a poster child for homeschooling. They don't look for shorty curvy brown girls who have way too much passion and poetry in their veins. 

And believe me, I'd read all the books. On how you had to be meek and quiet and not rebel or listen to secular music; and all the books made a white southern lifestyle seem equatable with Christianity. You know, where you didn't go to college, and waited for the perfect Prince Charming. What particularly impacted my view, though, was that the books said that being seductive or sexy was "the sin of Bathsheba" therefore it was considered taboo. 

Now, one considers white skin inherently "seductive" or "exotic", yet those are exactly the stereotypes which come with having copper colored skin. I was convinced that had I only been white, he may have cared for me and it broke my heart and plunged me into extreme self hatred. 

I can remember writing a teary-eyed journal entry begging God to make me white because if I was white, then he would love me. Well, he turned out courting a girl who is just that: white. tall. fair. with brown - blonde hair and who's pretty much perfect. 

And while we all have ideas of what our first heartbreak will be, little did I think that it was my skin color which would break my heart. 

I came across a small homeschool pamphlet on courtship yesterday which listed a number of factions which would disqualify a person as a potential spouse. One of them was entitled "race".  

My eyes filled with tears and I threw the book across the room. 

It's just that mindset which is so contrary to the Word of God which says that in Christ there is neither "Jew nor Greek" and that God is no "respecter of persons", that frustrates me so much. 

Perhaps because I personally have experienced it, and i know firsthand the destructive consequences. 

It has taken me years to see anything beautiful in my skin color. It's still a struggle. There are days I'm ok with it, and days I hate it because it's so.... brown. 

If race is something I have no control over, then what makes a white girl more christian simply because she, through no superiority or fault of her own, was born with less melanin in her skin than me? 

And after years spent with SPF 100, whitening creams, etc. I give up. 

I'm me and that has to be enough. 

But I can one hundred percent assure you that those books aren't helping anything, and that it's stupid to hold one skin color up as "better" than another. Because in the eyes of God we are all equal, no matter, and it's about time the homeschool community discards the religious baloney and heads back to Scripture on this one. 

A Letter to the Director of Divergent :)

Dear Director - of - Divergent - the - Move,

Was it really that difficult to find a semi attractive 18 year old with blue eyes who actually looks like Four?

I mean, at least give the dude blue colored contacts so you don’t have to deal with all the book nerds blowing up your Twitter and Facebook pages.. or am I the only one who would actually do that?

Don’t get me wrong here, Theo James is hot, but Four is 18 not almost 30.

Swap Tris’ and Christina’s heights.

Have Al gain about 100 lbs.

Tris’ Mom has blonde hair, not brown.

Whatever happened to Eric’s long stringy brown hair and way too many facial piercings?

And Jeanine’s “layer of pudge” because I must admit I was rather looking forward to that. It would have been funny. You changed the ending, too, where she was concerned. Tris and Four are supposed to be alone in the control room.

What about Edward’s tragedy and Al’s hopeless crush on Tris and Christina’s love for Will?

Oh and the chocolate cake. How could you have cut out the Dauntless Chocolate Cake?

What happened to Christina’s jealousy of Tris, and the danger in Dauntless initiation? How Peter forgets he is holding a loaded gun and Four taunts Tris to embolden her and the nameless girl who dies jumping off the train. 

Uriah. Where is he? How do you eliminate an entire character like that?

Tris isn’t pretty in the book, and in a way, that’s kind of the point. She’s not pretty but then again, you don’t have to be “pretty” in order to be strong or important or loved. And that is beautiful. 

You missed Four’s impossible charm and the varied sides of him we are shown in the book, all of which you discarded for the sake of … i don’t know.. time?

Because yes, it would have taken far more time, and yet, I think it would have been worth it to stay true to the book. Because those of us who originally fell in love with the book and only came to see the movie because it was based on the book, are now disappointed because it is really nothing like the book.

I mean, while you did stay true to the initial plot line, (kudos by the way, for that..a lot of movies don’t *cough* Narnia *cough*), you misrepresented the characters which in a way is almost worse than changing the plot line altogether!

At least, that’s my way of thinking about it.

<3 Tirzah

A Poem

Hush little baby
Don't you cry
It's just a bad day
Not a bad life
Put down those pills
Drop that knife
You're gonna get through this
You just gotta fight

Hush little baby
Don't you cry
It'll all be okay
Just maybe not tonight
I know it's hard
To live this life
But you'll never win
If you never try

Hush little baby
Don't you cry
I see the pain
You keep inside
But you'll never find
Release from this strife
If you keep on hiding
From the light

Hush little baby
Don't be sad
This world really
Isn't all bad
There's a lot of good
Still left to be had
If you'll only look out
And lift up your head

Hush little baby
Dry your tears
Ignore the pain
Disregard your fears
Look far ahead
To happier years
When all your troubles
Will have disappeared

Hush little baby
Please don't cry
There'll be new tomorrows
And fresh found joys
So reach for your dreams
Hold your head up high
Till you're free at last
And you can fly.

<3 Tirzah

Reviewing the Mike and Debi Pearl Books: To Train Up A Child

Having been raised under some (not all, thank God, but definitely some) of Michael and Debi Pearl's teachings, and having recently heard horror stories of the use or misuse, as the case may be, of these same teachings on child raising, I felt it was time to read the books myself and draw my own conclusions based what I felt to be Biblically accurate. So, I read their iconic book "To Train Up A Child", along with Volume 1 of "No Greater Joy" (another child training book), and am currently working my way through "Created To Be His HelpMeet", a book written by Debi on how to be a godly wife and mother.

And while I would love to believe their motives are not sinister, I was struck by the sinister nature of some of their material.

For instance, who advocates stripping a child and spraying his bare behind with a garden hose in order to potty train him?

Who in their right mind would deliberately trip a small child and cause her to fall into a pond in order to teach her to stay away from it?

Who thinks that spanking on a bare bottom is even remotely acceptable?

Who teaches parents that the height of effective parenting is to break their children's wills the same way a horse's will is broken?

This is not to say that there isn't any good to be gleaned from the books. On the contrary, I discovered quite a few interesting insights. However, there are enough questionable aspects to their methods where one can easily see how it could translate into child abuse.

And I don't know about anyone else, but I for one would rather err on the side of mercy.

<3 Tirzah

"2 Reasons Why My Daughter Will Not Go To College"? Well What About A Bunch of Reasons Why That's Wrong?!

I came across an article today, written by a Father on why he is not planning on sending his (currently 5 year old) daughter to college. It was...interesting to say the least!

2 Reasons Why My Daughter Will Not Go To College

Go read it. I'll wait.

No, seriously. Read it.

Have you finished yet? Good. Let's talk.

While I honestly believe he is trying to do what he thinks is best for his daughter, I question the ideology which would deny a higher education to women.

He starts off with typical princess talk, calling his daughter his little princess. Which is all fine and well. Until we come to his premise for writing this post. He mentions that one day he will be "forced" to give his daughter away, and goes on to say that until her marriage, he and his wife have a responsibility to teach their daughter to be a "good wife and mother"

Excuse my rant, but among the list of things parents ARE to teach their children, teaching daughters to be wives and mothers isn't delineated as the ultimate goal of parenting!! Please show me a verse which says that the most important thing a father can teach his daughter is how to be a good wife and mother. It's not THE most important thing.

Next he moves onto feminism.

"To be honest, I have a deep concern for her because of the feministic culture we live in. Let's face it. Feminism has so influenced American culture that it has infiltrated the Christian culture just as much in more subtle ways. The average Christian woman is not trained from the home, nor encouraged, to find a husband as an alternative to going to college and starting a career. This is sad and unbiblical"

Hold. Flipping. Up. While no one will deny that feminism has had some negative effects, you can't just blame feminism for all the evils of the world. (Or wait, no, it's Marxism which is responsible for all the evils of the world.. but that's a rant for another day). Teaching your daughter to think and form ideas and yes even a worldview independent of you is NOT bad parenting. It is parenting done RIGHT! After all, who wants little clones running around? Oh, and since when was finding a husband the end-all-be-all of Christian womanhood? Last time I checked, following, honoring, and serving GOD was!

He goes on to talk about how women are the helpers of men and supposed to stay at home and never be independent of men, stating:

"Is it wrong to expect women to keep in step with the cultural, not Biblical, mandate"

In case he didn't know...he's advocating a cultural mandate, not a Biblical one. Cause, the CULTURAL mandate of Bible times demanded women to stay at home. Greek women had no freedom outside of the home whatsoever, and Jewish women could be divorced by their husbands for speaking to another man. Just because something was practiced in Bible times does NOT make it the Biblical mandate for all Christians. Polygamy, child marriage, prostitution, stoning, and having concubines were all practiced in the Bible, yet that doesn't mean God specifically order them. Or even approves for that matter.

"A woman was created to fill the role of a helper and a companion specifically to a husband"

Mhmm..and that word for helper, every other time it is used in Scripture, is referring to God, FYI. Helper does not mean that woman is a slave to man's every whim. It means she comes alongside him, encourages him, and supports him the way God "helps" those who trust in Him.

"Young Christian women are indeed pursuing the same things as unbelieving women - independence from a man. Eve acted outside the authority and protection of Adam, and, well, you know where that led to"

Oh. No. You. Did. Not. First off, where in the Bible are we taught that independence is sinful? If it was wrong to be independent then what's the use of freedom? Why did God create us individuals and not clones? To be independent of GOD is indeed against the Word of God. But all men are not the authority for all women. Secondly, which version of the Bible are YOU reading, cause nowhere in mine does it say that Eve went outside of Adam's authority in eating the fruit. In fact, the verse says "And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat" (Genesis 3:6 emphasis mine). Did I miss a Genesis 3:5b which says "And Adam told Eve not to eat the fruit, but she despised his authority and ate it anyways"?? I don't think so!

"My daughter won't go to college...If I can't afford it"

I'm all for debt free if possible. But, the solution to that is NOT to limit your daughter's education. Its' to teach her well, let her get a job so she can help fund her college, and encourage her to apply for scholarships!

"The question then leads to this: What is she supposed to do if she doesn't go to college until she finds a husband?"

...Wait around at home perfecting her makeup and housewifery skills while waiting for Prince Charming to show up, of course!

"What if she never marries? What if she wants to be single?"

Well then clearly she is not living in accordance with the imaginary Biblical mandate that every woman must marry or she is sinning. Duh, people!

"Until the feminist movement, women employed their gifts, talents, and God-given abilities to benefit the home while being under the care, protection, and tutelage of her parents"

Do you have evidence to support that this is Biblically mandated, and not just another cultural thing? Oh, and once again, blame feminism, right?

He wraps up by saying that

"The job of being a wife and mother is a high calling, and I would argue that it is the most important job under the sun...The Bible reveals that it is God's will for women to get married, raise Godly children, and keep the house"

Well then. I guess Amy Carmichael, Mary Slessor, Mary (Lazarus' Sister),  Charlotte Moon, Gladys Aylward, Maude Cary,Betsy Stockton, Florence Nightingale, and others weren't acting in accordance with God's will?

I'll leave you to ponder that

<3 Tirzah

25 Things Emotional Purity Taught Me..And Why I Disagree

Chances are, if you grew up under the Christian purity movement, you have some notion of the idea of "emotional purity". This is the mindset that emotional attachment to a person of the opposite gender is inherently impure, evil, and to be suppressed, since your duty is to "guard your heart". However, looking back on the literature and ideology of the Emotional Purity Movement, I've realized it had far greater repercussions on the way I viewed myself and any interaction with guys than I had initially realized. So, here's a list for you of the take home messages I received from "emotional purity" and why I now disagree with these messages and ideas.  And while experiences differ, I hope someone at least can relate :)

1. "Guarding your heart" (ie. stifiling any romantic attraction, emotion, or impulse until your marriage) is the single most important thing (besides staying a virgin) that you can do to ensure a fulfilling marriage.

WRONG! Seeking to love, serve, and honor GOD is the single most important thing you can do to ensure a blessed marriage...imo at least.

2. If you fail to save every single "first" for your future spouse, you are damaged goods

Umm...The most damaging thing is believing you are damaged goods! You are worth ever so much more than whether or not you've ever held hands with a guy.

3. Don't smile at a guy, look at a guy, or talk to a guy because it could be misinterpreted as flirtation

This one makes me so angry. Deliberate flirtation is one thing, but if you smile innocently at a friend and they interpret it as flirtation, the onus is on THEM not on YOU!

4. Deep platonic friendships with the opposite gender are impossible. In fact, deep platonic relationships with the opposite gender are in direct opposition to emotional purity.

Can I just say that from personal experience, it is completely possible to have close friendships with guys and not have any romantic attachment to them at all! Friendships teach you how to freaking relate to the opposite gender in a healthy way!

5. Romantic attraction is a failure to properly guard your heart

I'm sorry, but romantic attraction is not something you can control per se. The heart does as it wills. You have a choice of how you react to the attraction but you cannot control who you are initially attracted to.

6. Crushes are the result of a failure to guard your heart

I really wish this movement would stop considering crushes as a sin and instead teach young people how to deal with them in a God glorifying way. Nowhere in the Bible does it say crushes are a sin btw. They're normal parts of growing up. If a crush becomes an idol it's not a crush anymore.

7. Flirting is one of the biggest sins a woman can commit

Please, define flirting for me. Because the way the movement teaches it, any interaction with the opposite gender can count as flirting.

8. Each time you date/fall in love, you give away an irreplaceable part of your heart.

...So this means that the more you love, the less capable you are of love?? Imo it's the other way around! The less you love, the less you can love.

9. The part of your heart reserved for your future spouse shrinks with each piece of your heart that you "give away".

Can you show me where in the Bible it says this? Only God should have your whole heart anyway while we're at it! This is the same logic as saying that your youngest child will have the smallest part of your heart because you've given away pieces of your heart to your other kids.. How does this make sense?!

10. The Bible commands emotional purity. "Guard your heart with all diligence"

Go look at the context. Go. (It's Proverbs 4:23) Look at the context. Note that nowhere does it say "Do not ever fall in love"!

11. Your heart is evil, incapable of good, and the source of all evil.

(Jeremiah 17:9) Umm...yeah, and later in Jeremiah it ALSO says that God promises to take out our old heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh so we can follow and serve Him wholeheartedly.

12. Becoming emotionally attached to a man that you are not in a parent-permitted courtship with is sinful

Again, where in the Bible is this?!

13. Falling in love? There's no such thing. Emotional love is wrong and unbiblical

*raises eyebrow* "And Jacob loved Rachel...."

14. Your job is to keep yourself pure so that you may give your husband the "greatest gift": You, untouched emotionally or physically by any other.

The greatest gift you can give your future spouse is to be someone who pursues Jesus whole heartedly. NOT someone who is proud and judgmental because they are "pure".

15. Your future spouse will be glad you reserved your whole heart, soul, and emotions for him and fully appreciate all the sacrifices you made.

There is no guaranteeing this. At all.

16. If you keep your emotional virginity intact (and yes, emotional virginity IS a thing), then you will experience greater marital trust and success

Communication, communication, and more communication is the key to trust. Communication, honesty, and transparency matter way more than whether or not you've ever liked a guy.

17. Women are emotionally wired, therefore it is impossible for a woman to NOT become emotionally attached to a man she is close to

I am quite sure this idea was invented by either men who led women on OR dreamy out-of-touch-with-reality girls who see every man as potential marriage material. It is simply untrue.

18. Trusting a male enough to (*gasp*) have an honest, soul-deep conversation with him is bad. very bad. In fact, it's emotional adultery against your future husband.

Shaming women again? What's new... Remember, Jesus was friends with Mary and Martha, y'all. Plus, this idea only works if you buy into the idea that all unmarried men and women belong to their future spouse (who may or may not exist!)

19. Girls only have sex with guys that they have given themselves to emotionally.

So all those one-night stands? Those aren't sex?

20. You CAN be emotionally pure, and if you aren't, then you just need to read the scriptures more, pray more, and find an accountability partner

And what if, despite all your best efforts, you STILL "miss the mark"? Are you now damaged goods? Basically...

21. You are a princess and your husband will be a valiant prince who will claim your heart and hand as he sweeps you off your feet into the sunset. However, this can only happen if you remain completely pure.

Yeahh...about that...we live in a fallen world, remember? Fairy tales are not reality. If you fail to live up to an impossible standard of emotional purity, it doesn't mean you will have a ruined life!

22. Your emotions are always capable of being controlled.

No, they're really not. And there's nothing shameful about that. Even Jesus showed emotion for crying out loud (pun intended).

23. Emotional Purity will prevent heartache, heartbreak, and pain.

Try selling that line to the people who have been "emotionally pure" all their lives and now have no idea how to interact healthily with the opposite gender, open up, be vulnerable, and be transparent because they've been taught to suppress all emotion.

24. Hugging leads to emotional impurity because it is impossible to hug someone of the opposite gender (outside of your family) without being attracted to them.

Yeah, not all men are sex-crazed lunatic beasts, thank ye very much!

25. Emotional purity + Biblical courtship = Godly, Blessed Marriage

I firmly believe there is no one formula for a blessed marriage. Because I've seen people who've courted and are now miserable in their marriage. And I've seen love marriages which are some of the happiest marriages.

Honoring God in all you do, think, say, and in every relationship you enter will avail you much more in the long run than holding yourself to an impossible standard and shaming yourself over failure to adhere to it.

Music That Relates: My Experiences with Growing up Gothard, Christian Patriarchy & Stay At Home Daughtership

I'm a self styled music junkie, and not in the least ashamed of it!

However, purely in the interest of fun, I'm planning on compiling a weekly list of at least 10 songs on a particular topic. 

It's my own version of "Music Mondays", I guess ;) Can't promise I'll stay on top of it, but I'll at least try!!

This week the topic is Modesty/Purity Culture, IBLP, Christian Patriarchy, Stay At Home Daughtership, and my response and reaction to what's wrong with those ideologies. 

1. La La La by Naughty Boy and Sam Smith 

I came across this by accident today and was struck by how perfect some of the lyrics are. For instance:

I can't find your silver lining

I don't mean to judge

But when you read your speech it's tiring

Enough is enough

and 

I hate it when you hiss and preach

About your new messiah cause your theories catch fire

When our worlds collide

Gonna drown you out before I lose my mind

... all far too true. 

2. Dollhouse by Priscilla Renea 

This is far too accurate. In every single way. 

You called the shots

Right down to my shoes

I liked what you liked 

Cause you told me to

...personal experience with this....trust me, it kills. 

I tried to be a picture perfect girl

But you were in your own fantasy world

Tryna control me like some kinda barbie

But that just ain't me!

She's right. We're real people, not dolls in a dollhouse. 

3. Mean by Taylor Swift

While this doesn't specifically talk about controlling your kids, the general gist is the same.

You, with your words like knives 

And weapons that you use against me

 The solution is to...

4. Shake it Off by Taylor Swift

A friend sent this to me a few weeks ago, and quite frankly, Taylor Swift's right on this one. If you internalize everything people say about your imperfections or where you fall short, it's gonna destroy you. You just gotta "shake it off". 

5. Mother Knows Best from Tangled

Yes, I realize this is from a Disney movie, and that most authority is depicted negatively in Disney, BUT some of the lyrics brought back painful memories of spiritual and emotional guilt tripping.. 

You know why we stay up in this tower?
That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear

Sorry to break it to ya, but oversheltering kids isn't where it's at

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?
I only bathed and changed and nursed you

Go ahead and leave me here, I deserve it

Let me die alone, here, be my guest

When it's too late, just wait, you'll see

Mother knows best

..and that, my friends, is emotional manipulation of the highest degree... 

6. Invisible by Hunter Hayes

I love this song so much... 

Those words cut deep

But they don't mean you're all alone

In their narrow minds there's no room 

For anyone who dares to do something different

There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now

etc, etc.. just trust me, its a fantastic song. 

7. The Mirror (Angel of Music) by Andrew Lloyd Webber

The relationship between the Phantom and Christine just reminds me so much of the idealized relationship between a girl and her father in the stay at home daughtership movement. 

Upon learning of Raoul's interest in Christine, the Phantom angrily sings:

Insolent boy, this slave of fashion, basking in your glory

Ignorant fool this brave young suitor sharing in my triumph!

Her response is a meek:

Angel, I hear you. Speak, I listen. Stay by my side, guide me

Angel, my soul was weak forgive me, Enter at last, Master.

And if you think I am making too drastic a comparison here, I challenge you to read So Much More for yourself!

8. Stars from Les Miserables

This just demonstrates some of the negative ideology so perfectly. If you "falter and fall", then you are no longer worthy of redemption. 

Those who follow the path of the path of the righteous

Shall have their reward

And if they fall as Lucifer fell, the flame the sword

And so it must be for so it is written 

On the doorway to Paradise

That those who falter and those who fall 

Must pay the price

Notice the utter absence of the concept of .. grace! 

9. Human by Christina Perri

This song just epitomizes so much of my experience with fundamentalism and the expectations of Christian Patriarchy, modesty/purity culture, etc.. 

But I'm only human

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on 

Be a good machine

It's just so perfect. And it's what happens, too! You learn to endure, stifle your emotions, and suppress your heart, but in the end it just results in hurt and disappointment. 

10. Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

..Lest anyone say this ideology doesn't have lasting negative repercussions...

I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry because I know it's weakness in your eyes

Because of you, I find it hard to trust 

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you, I am afraid

Bonus:  Let it Go by Idina Menzel

..alright, I know you're probably sick of this song by now, but it's so true. 

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal don't feel 

Don't let them know

Need I say more? 

<3 Tirzah

"Be The Good Girl You Always Have To Be"

There seems to be an unspoken rule among Christians that troubles, depression, addictions, or temptation means that you have somehow failed in your walk with God and aren't "digging into the Word enough"(whatever that means!).

We all dress nicely and paste on a made up smile to go to our nice little churches where we sit neatly in a row listening to a sermon on what we can do to make ourselves better Christians, shake hands all around, "How are you, brother?" "Oh I'm good, praise the Lord, brother. How are you?" "I'm blessed and highly favored!" "Well, Amen, Praise the Lord!"...and on to the next person. We paste on false smiles, whitewash our lives, and the most genuine comment allowed is "Pray for me, I've been under some spiritual attack lately", to which the inevitable response is, "Oh I will pray for you" (even though you know they really won't), and a misquoted Bible verse on "rejoice in the Lord always" or "be anxious for nothing".

I had just turned 16 when Disney's "Frozen" first came out in theaters. The plot revolves around two sisters, one of whom has incredible power which can be used for good or destruction. And in an attempt to minimize the negative effect which her power could be used for, her parents teach her to conceal, hide, and don't feel in order to avoid hurting herself or others. While I initially enjoyed it, I didn't really connect with the film until Elsa started singing her iconic song, Let It Go. Hearing the song for the first time, when she reached the lyrics:

"Don't let them in/Don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal don't feel/ Don't let them know"

I got shivers down my spine as those lines hit home, and I recognized everything I had internalized about friendships and relationships from church, youth group, and homeschool group encapsulated in just a few short lines.

Too often, in Christian circles, we teach folk that in order to be "godly" we must be perfect. Fake it till you make it. Put on the good christian girl(or guy) mask. Pretend that life is always good and you're "blessed and highly favored" no matter what turmoil your world may be in. Anything can be solved by reading one's bible more or praying more. And if, by some chance, that doesn't solve all your problems, well then, you must not be close enough to the Lord. Either way, it's your fault. Put on a smile, suck it up, and move on. Paste on that happy face and fool the world.

For God's sake, don't talk about depression, let alone admit to being depressed! Don't talk about self harm or suicide or any other such uncomfortable disturbing topic! Don't talk about physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, or spiritual abuse, because we all know that physical/sexual abuse is the only valid form of abuse, right? Don't struggle with PTSD, bipolarity, insomnia, anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, lust, same sex attraction, drug/substance abuse, addictions, cutting, suicidal thoughts, schizophrenia, or any other mental illness. Don't ever have anxiety or panic attacks because God commands us to not be anxious about anything, right?

WRONG!

Of all the places I have ever been to, I've felt the least safe at church. I've looked around at everyone else's picture perfect lives and been convinced that I just wasn't reading my Bible enough or praying enough, therefore I was depressed. And the amount of guilt was overwhelming. The few people I did confide in either didn't understand, or told me that if I "drew closer to God", all my problems would be fixed. And those who DID understand and truly help me were those who would definitely not classify as your typical Christian. Those who had been through real struggles, the kind not traditionally discussed on Sunday morning.

They weren't your classic "good Christian girl/boy". They were... real. They had the same problems as ordinary people, and I felt safe talking to them about any and everything.

And I slowly began to learn that .. guess what? It's ok not to be perfect. It's okay to struggle, it's ok to fall down. You just can't let the struggle become your identity.

It's alright to be depressed. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Depression is a flaw in your genetic makeup, not a flaw in your character.

Self harm is an addiction and craving, but there's no shame in getting help. Those who deserve to be ashamed are those who would shame someone who is finally getting the help they need. The scars are just battle wounds.

All your problems are not always spiritual, and it's ok to be real. Spiritual and verbal abuse exist. Mental illness isn't always a spiritual problem and can't always be cured by quoting a Bible verse.

Personally, my heavy mask is finally cracking, and I'm learning to open up and that there's no shame in admitting to having a bad day, being depressed, relapsing, falling down, as long I get back up eventually. Letting people in isn't always a bad thing, you just have to choose who to open up to. If they can be real with you, then you can be real with them. But heaven preserve us from lip service whitewashed "perfect" Christians. Because, honestly, no one's that perfect and it would do us a great deal of good to admit it for once.

Maybe, just maybe, then more people would start being real with themselves and others, especially in the body of Christ.

It's past time to discard the masks.

<3 Tirzah

Why I've Stopped Calling Myself a Christian

The word "Christian" today has a myriad of meanings; some good, some bad.

Initially, it was used to denote followers or imitators of Christ. The word itself means "Little Christ", and was first applied to believers in Antioch who were exemplary in adhering to Christ's commands. But with the overwhelming negative connotations which are associated with this word nowadays, I've stopped calling myself a Christian.

"Christian" nowadays means anything from (courtesy of Urban Dictionary, paraphrased ;) ) :

Someone who is a self righteous legalist and legislates morality for everyone else based on THEIR narrow interpretation of the Old Testament

Someone who goes to church and has been baptized but doesn't really care about what the Bible teaches and lives exactly like everyone else

Someone who blindly adheres to everything their church teaches without checking it against the Bible

Someone who worships a grandfather in the sky

Someone who substitutes tradition and religion for an actual relationship with Christ.

Someone who stands on a box on the corner of the street yelling "You're all going to hell!"

Someone who hates gays, prostitutes, divorced people, feminists, abortionists, and anyone who doesn't agree with them on everything.

Someone whose God is a weak pushover with long hair and a girl's face

Someone who doesn't know how to have fun and is a goody-two-shoes

Someone who doesn't drink, smoke, swear, and hates those who do

The Wikipedia definition of Christianity, here, is "a person who adheres to Christianity, an Abrahamic monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth"

Let me be the first to say that that is NOT what I am.

I am a follower of Christ, yes. A child of the King of Kings, yes. But I am not a "Christian".

I do not adhere to a religion. I have a relationship with the Living God.

I do not blindly follow everything my church says. I search the scriptures for myself.

I do not give two figs what tradition says if the Bible contradicts tradition.

I do not hate people who think differently than I do. I'll pray for them, sure, but if I want to witness to someone, I'll let my actions do the talking, and NOT my mouth.

I worship a God who created the universe and who couldn't have been a weak pushover because weak pushovers do NOT drive greedy people out of His temple with a whip.

I do not believe alcohol is inherently wrong, or that all swearing is necessarily evil either. And while I do believe the Bible has something to say about immorality, I'm not going to hate or judge you if you're homosexual, bi, or have had sex before your wedding night. That's between you and God, not me.

And I could go on. But honestly, I've just been so fed up with the blatant hypocrisy, legalistic attitude, and judgmentalism, which seem to be the trademarks of modern Christianity, that I am no longer calling myself a Christian.

I am a follower of Christ. I am His disciple and daughter.

But I can no longer identify with a religion whose overwhelming hallmarks seem to be judgmentalism, legalism, hypocrisy, discrimination, and hatred, all of which, I might add, are in direct contradiction to the life of Jesus himself.

The real Jesus dined with sinners.. I'll bet the drink of choice there sure wasn't water!

The real Jesus hung out with prostitutes... I'll bet their clothes weren't 'modest'

The real Jesus cared enough to deeply know those he associated with, and I'll bet people felt safe trusting Him with anything.

The real Jesus condemned the religious leaders of His day for just that kind of self righteous legalism which sees people as problems to be fixed and not wounded humans in need of healing.

The real Jesus drove money changers out of His house with a whip! This was no weakling God.

The real Jesus never forced anyone to "get their act together" before coming to Him, and severely despised those who attempted to legislate who was "worthy" of coming to God and who was not.

And, I refuse to blindly follow the masses of Christians caught up in a false religion worshiping a false god of their own creation.

So I am leaving Christianity.....in search of Christ.

On Being Undragoned

I cannot remember the last time I cried during a church sermon.

Yet, yesterday morning in church I sobbed like a baby and left feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, reconnected to God, and glad I had come.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let me explain.

The sermon centered on Jesus' encounter with Matthew the tax collector, in Mark chapter 2. Matthew is a greedy cheat, a sinner, and a social outcast, whom Jesus, instead of rejecting, not only called to be his follower, but also hung out with him and his friends. Instead of pointing the finger of judgment, Jesus held open the arms of love. And Matthew was saved.

What hit me particularly, though, was that as the pastor dissected the three types of people in this passage (the outcasts, the judgmental legalists, and Jesus), he narrowed in on the outcasts using Eustace from The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader as an example.

Eustace is, frankly, a whiny brat who hates having been "dragged" into Narnia and persists in insisting that the King find him a "British Consul" so he can further complain about the lack of modern conveniences. (I mean, c'mon! Who doesn't have Plumbs Vitaminized Nerve Water on board a medieval ship!?) The turning point in Eustace's life, however, comes when the ship lands on a deserted Island, and instead of staying with the ship, Eustace sets out to explore, comes across a dragon's hoard, and falls asleep in the dragon's lair. The next morning when he wakes up, he finds that, overnight, he's turned into a dragon.

He has become a monster.

I'm betting that if Skillet held a concert in Narnia, he'd be their biggest fan. After all, who truly understands what it is like to feel like a monster better than an actual monster?

The pastor went on to say that maybe, for some of the audience, that's where they found themselves. They were Eustaces in dragon form, looking at themselves in the mirror wondering "How in the world did I get here? This is the last place I would have imagined myself, yet here I am". They are the outcasts, the rejects, those shunned by modern Christianity.

And...this is where I lost it crying. Because I've been there. I've been the girl staring herself in the mirror, tears streaming down her cheeks, asking herself, "How in the world did I find myself in this hell?" I've been the girl terrified of getting help for fear of being judged, certain that I would never find love, and resigned to being a monster forever.

But, as the pastor reminded us, the beauty is that Eustace's story doesn't end there. Because, you see, one day Eustace meets Aslan. And Aslan, if you know your Narnia, is a figure of Jesus. Aslan takes Eustace to the top of a mountain, and there, before a well of crystal water, tells him to undress and wash to be made human again. Yet after shedding his skin countless times, Eustace is no closer to freedom than he was at the outset.

In the words of Eustace himself, "Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was pretty afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty near desperate now, So I just lay flat on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear He made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when He began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt...Well He peeled the beastly stuff off - just as I thought I'd it myself the other...times - only it hadn't hurt,..Then He caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I had no skin on - and threw me into the water...As soon as I started swimming and splashing, I saw ... I had turned into a boy again!"

Ultimately, this is where it's at. Because only Christ can "un-dragon" us. Only Christ can turn brokenness into beauty, and a monster into a messenger. It's going to hurt worse than anything to let Him take the darkness, pain, and heartbreak but the resulting freedom is so exquisitely beautiful, it all becomes worth it.

I know.

I know because I've lived it.

I'm me again, and it's absolutely splendid.

I've been undragoned.

"It's My Body"

"We've had a huge emphasis on a woman's right to her own body. It's your body you do what you want with it. Now, some girls have taken that philosophy to the extreme and have abused their bodies with eating disorders, with substance abuse, with drugs and alcohol. 'It's my body; I can wreck it. I can trash it.'"                                       - Nancy Leigh DeMoss

While reading through some transcripts of Nancy Leigh DeMoss' podcasts on Modesty, I came across this audacious statement. 

Let me say, that as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, mild substance abuse, and self harm, NEVER ONCE has the thought "it's my body; I can do what I want with it" crossed my mind in relation to self destructive behaviors. 

"I'm worthless", yes

"I deserve to be punished", yes

"I am ugly, fat, etc" absolutely. 

But, "It's my body, I can wreck it, I can trash it"? Never. 

I can't even tell you what callous disdain and disregard this shows towards women who have struggled with and are struggling with eating disorders, substance abuse, and drug and alcohol misuse. She's essentially saying that if you are engaged in self destructive behaviors, you have bought the philosophy that your body is your own, you can do with it what you wish, and absolutely neglecting the underlying issues in relation to self destructive behaviors. 

No one starts self destructive behaviors using "It's my body" as initiative! 

I do know people who, after years of self destructive behaviors, have finally resorted to "Mind your own business, it's my body I do what I want" in order to silence some incredibly judgmental people. 

But to make a blanket statement that anyone who self destructs is automatically using that as their reason and motivation is just plumb wrong.

On Spanking and Self - Harm...My Punishment Is Greater Than I Can Bear

Maybe I'm the oddball, but, I was reading some articles on the lifelong effects that spanking children has on their emotional and mental development when it hit me.

Being spanked as a child is a large part of why I started self harming as a teenager.

Let me unpack this statement a little bit. From a child, I had been taught through example that physical punishment was the Biblically advocated way of training your children. To be fair, my mother absolutely hated spanking us. She would cry at night because she believed it was wrong. But according to Mike and Debi Pearl, corporal punishment is the only way to properly "train up a child". We were spanked for back talking, direct disobedience, rebellion, tattling...and the list goes on.

Being spanked teaches a child that physical pain is the only appropriate atonement for his/her misdemeanors.

And while my parents truly loved us and believed that spanking was the Biblical way to train their children, I have come to question the subconscious impact which this ideology has had on the way I relate to punishment.

When I was 15, I reached a particularly low point in my life. My parents had just found out about a young man I was in a relationship with, and were extremely displeased with the content of some of our conversations (eg. swearing, his expressing a desire to kiss me, etc..) among other things. Feeling that a relationship was not in my best interest at this point, they grounded me for a week and lectured me extensively. But, for me, this punishment wasn't enough. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I had become subconsciously convinced that punishment which did not cause physical pain was not adequate punishment. Because, after all, a lecture was never good enough when I had sinned as child. Spanking was always in order. Therefore, as soon as I found myself alone in my room, I, almost instinctively, physically lashed out against myself, taking a disposable razor to my wrist until it was dripping blood. I felt instantly better. Afterwards, I cleaned it up, bandaged it, and fell asleep. Dad commented the next day that I seemed happier. I was even smiling!

It became a vicious cycle. Whereas when I was a child, if I did something wrong, I was immediately spanked and then the incident was forgotten, as I got older the spanking became less frequent, and lectures replaced it. What I didn't realize was that I had unwittingly adopted the notion that physical punishment is the only adequate punishment. So, if I did something wrong, or my parents were displeased with me, hurting myself became second nature.

I cannot tell you how harmful this mentality is.

When Christ died, HE took the physical pain punishment for ALL my sins. Knowing that my parents are displeased, natural consequences, or rebuke, should be punishment enough for me. Of course, there are consequences, but these should be natural ones. For instance, if you eat twenty pieces of cake, you're going to make yourself sick. This doesn't mean that wrong should be condoned. If my brother hits me, he's going to be told why that's wrong and if he persists in wrongdoing, should be punished by a timeout or something similar.

Obviously, circumstances are different for every family, but for me, at least, being spanked unwittingly implanted the idea in my head that physical pain is the only valid form of punishment.

I've wondered for months why it was that, when I reached that point where my parents were so upset at me, hurting myself was an almost instinctive reaction. I didn't even think about it. It felt natural. It felt...right. There was no question in my mind that I completely deserved the physical pain for disappointing my parents, allowing myself to have romantic feelings for a boy, and using bad language. I believe a large part of it is that when I was young, I knew I was in the doghouse if I had acted wrongly. Apologizing didn't fix things. Being lectured didn't change things. BUT, as soon as I had gotten the appropriate amount of spankings, everything was forgiven and I was reminded again of how loved I was. How does one make the mental transition from "I need to be physically punished for any transgression" to "Now that I've reached a certain age, a lecture or being grounded is adequate punishment"?

And for those who argue that Proverbs commands parents to spank their children (Mike and Debi Pearl, I'm looking right at you!!), my response is that Proverbs is in the Old Testament, and although I don't believe we should discount it merely because it happens to be before the birth of Christ, please show me a passage anywhere in the New Testament under the New Covenant which commands spanking children as a form of punishment! The verses in the New Testament on child rearing say to not provoke your children to wrath but rather bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Admonition is NOT the same as spanking.

And, while I'll readily admit that my ideas on child raising aren't completely developed yet, I agree far more with those who advocate not spanking your children, or only using spanking as a very last resort, than those who spank their children constantly for any real or imagined misdemeanor.

<3 Tirzah

And The Truth Will Set You Free

For the past six months I've struggled with depression and guilt over a past relationship.

Trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out where my path now lies, independent of him. Trying to determine how much "damage" had been done to my heart, and beating myself up for my failure to remain absolutely pure.

I was so convinced that somehow it was my fault. Everything was my fault somehow. No matter that when asked HOW everything automatically became my fault, I couldn't give any concrete reasons for why I believed that. I found myself caught in a strange emotional state where I refused to blame him, yet, the burden of guilt was too heavy for me. So I relied even more heavily on destructive coping mechanisms. I dissected ever single aspect of the relationship trying to determine where I went wrong. I was slowly destroying myself.

Well, you know what? No more.

I've learned and am learning that it's not necessarily anyone's "fault". Sometimes it's timing that's just flawed. Sometimes it's outside sources that we have no control over. Or fate steps in. Sometimes your past comes back to haunt you, and damages things. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be, and no matter how much you may love someone, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes you need the pain, the heartbreak to wake you up and make you question beliefs and practices which you've always accepted as gospel but which were wrong all along. Sometimes love doesn't work out, but just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't real at the time. And sometimes our own desires hopes, fears, and dreams destroy us. 

But a life lived in fear (or shame) is a life half lived.

So today I choose to step out of the shadows, embrace life, love, and happiness, and let go of the past. 

It's a lesson I can't learn soon enough.

<3 Tirzah

Women Don't Struggle With Lust, Right?

As I was reading through transcripts of Nancy Leigh DeMoss' radio series on Modesty, I was struck by (yet another) outrageous claim of hers.

"Men tend to be visually oriented and this can be hard for women to understand"

Later on, she says that

"Women...aren't sexually stimulated in the same way as men".

(AKA, women don't struggle with lust)

She goes into great detail on the struggles MEN have while dealing with lust, citing Every Man's Battle, and reading examples such as one story of a young man who started lusting because he was exposed to the outline of a girl's underwear. No where does she mention lust in relation to women in any other capacity than a woman being the reason for a man's lust.

Underlying this is a common assumption which I have found primarily in Christian circles, and that is that lust is a purely guy problem. Women simply do not struggle with lust.

This begs the question, though. What IS lust?

Lust, according to Merriam - Webster, is an "intense or unbridled sexual desire".

This goes far deeper than attraction, or even a desire to have sex with someone. Lust is when you allow a fantasy to take root in your brain, and encourage and entertain it.

I have a greater respect for Josh Harris than any other Christian purity writer. And this is why.

"Lust is not just a guy problem. It is a human problem...there are many women who would struggle in ways that you might call traditionally male kinds of struggles with lust" - Josh Harris (Revive Our Hearts)

My initial reaction to this quote is "Preach it!"

He also admits that "Many people would say that women just deal with their emotions" and goes on to say that this isn't actually true.

Looks like someone's grown and matured a bit since "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"!

Too often, especially in Christian purity culture, there is this pervading idea that men, and only men struggle with being visually stimulated, addicted to pornography, masturbating, intense sexual fantasies and lust.

This is simply not the truth.

If it was, why are more and more godly Christian women admitting to struggles with pornography or masturbating?

If it was, why do we have an entire industry of graphic erotica novels marketed to women?

If it was, why do men work on their abs in order to impress "the ladies" as opposed to working on their brains?

If it was, why did Medieval writers depict women as the more "lusty" of the sexes? (Think Canterbury Tales, The Wife of Bath)

If it was, why is 1 out of every 3 persons to visit a porn website a woman?

Come on, people.

Ask any red-blooded female whether or not she's ever lusted after a guy before, and I guarantee you she will say yes.

Go listen to some Nikki Minaj or Tinashe. Or even some Demi Lovato for crying out loud!

Lust is not just a "guy problem".

Lust is a human problem.

And instead of making like women's struggles with lust don't exist, how about treating it with the same amount of validity and concern as men's?

THAT would be something to see!

<3 Tirzah

"But..God Told Me She Was The One!" ... On Playing The God Card

A couple days ago a young man I know pulled me aside and confessed, "I think I'm in love with you".

Quite frankly, I was stunned. I couldn't form a single coherent thought for fully five minutes, which for me is practically impossible. I always have something to say. By the time I recovered my self possession, we had been interrupted by a couple others, and weren't able to finish the conversation until later that day by chatting online. At that time he revealed to me that he believed he felt God tell him that that was the time to express his feelings and blamed God for why he "fell in love" with me. 

Um.. Please. 

I severely dislike what I'm going to call "Playing the God-Card In Relationships" (thank you, Messy Mondays for the terminology) for several reasons. 

1. People substitute their feelings for what God supposedly says. It's, quite frankly, blasphemy. "God told me" becomes the acceptable Christian-speak for "I want to..." It has absolutely nothing to do with what God says, and everything to do with what YOU want! 

2. It's spiritual guilt trippng. If you've asked me out and I turned you down, telling me that "God told you I was the one" in order to make me go out with you makes me feel guilty for not liking you even though God hasn't said anything to me about you! If God REALLY revealed to you that I was "the one", then don't you think He is capable of revealing it to me as well? I mean, come on. What good Christian girl will say "no" if you say that God told you that the two of you are supposed to be together? Wouldn't that "go against God'?

3. Not to be stereotyping here, but if you're a Christian guy with nothing to really recommend you, then if you play the God - card, I will see it as your way of trying to get a date since no girl would date you under any other circumstances! Which. Might be mean, but....that's how it appears to me!

4.It can give people incredible license to do whatever they wish. For instance, one day "God told me you're the one for me" becomes "God told me to break up with you" the next day. There's no accountability. 

5. It is most definitely taking God's name in vain. If you are not 100% sure that God has told you to do something (AND it's been confirmed by Him..think Gideon!), DON'T say He revealed something to you, because it's using His name when you really shouldn't. 

6. It's a cop-out. It's used as the ultimate cop-out to avoid being honest and saying what you really feel. Instead of an honest "I dont feel the same way for you as you do for me", someone will say "I felt God telling me we weren't a good fit". Instead of an honest "I am attracted to you and I really want you to date me", someone says "God told me you were the one". Please. Have the guts to be honest with yourself and the other person.

Finally, God is God. And, while He desires to be intimately involved in every single aspect of our lives, don't use Him as a pseudonym for your hormones and desires!

While I have many regrets about my last relationship, one thing I will say is that my ex boyfriend never played the God - Card on me. He never used God as an excuse to date me, or as a way out when he decided the relationship wasn't going anywhere and we were better off ending things. We were the ones who made the decisions, and we were the ones who took responsibility when it fell apart. It wasn't God's fault.

If you're a guy reading this, please don't ever use God as an excuse for why a particular girl should date you, or why your relationship isn't working out for you therefore you need to break up. If it's truly God's will for you and someone to be together, He will reveal it to you both individually, and confirm it through other sources as well. And, if she doesn't feel the same way you do, please don't ever use the "God told me" argument to try to convince her to date you. It's just guilting her into a relationship, and that sets you off on the wrong foot to start with! If you want out of a relationship, say so and state your reasons. Blaming God for your decisions is just wrong. 

Have the courage to be honest. 

Downsides of Christian Patriarchy: When Respect Becomes Husband -Worship

Recently, while browsing the internet I came across this article entitled "27 Ways To Show Your Husband Respect".

Now, let me say that I have absolutely nothing wrong with respecting your husband. However, some of the principles advocated here caught me off guard and had me questioning the motives behind the article.

The author starts out by chronicling some of her own struggles with respecting her husband, and pointing out that respect is shown because of love.

Some of her suggestions are valid and good advice for ANY relationship. Such as:

"Pray for Him"

"If you need his help, ask him clearly. Don't beat around the bush...or try to manipulate"

"Let him know you enjoy just being with him"

....and others. But, some were rather disturbing as well.

"Hold his hand in public"

What if your husband isn't into PDA? Does that mean you fail to sufficiently honor and respect your husband by not showing PDA?

"Dress modestly so you don't draw the attention of other men"

Hold up. Since when is it the WOMAN'S sole fault if someone lusts after her? There's just all kinds of wrongness about this statement.

"Attempt to keep your home in order for his comfort"

I remember, growing up, the stress my mother dealt with having to not only watch, train, and homeschool five children (all under the age of ten), but also trying to keep the house in tip top shape. Having a clean house isn't a bad thing. Is a woman "disrespecting" her husband, though,  if she's been run ragged all day tidying, training, and teaching to the point where, by the time he gets home, the house is a mess?

"Praise him for accomplishments"

This goes both ways. A husband should appreciate all the work his wife puts in, and vice versa. Marriage isn't a one way street.

"Join him on an adventure of his choosing"

..which would seem to imply that any adventure of the wife's choosing isn't valid?

"Ask your spouse about his job. Listen to his struggles and accomplishments.."

Again, marriage is not a one way street. One of the greatest lessons I've learned from my dad is how a real man treats a woman. Sure, mom asks about dad's day, but he also asks about hers! 

What disturbed me the most, however, was getting to the end of the article and noticing that no where on the site is a related article on how husbands can respect/love their wives! There were articles on how to strengthen your marriage, what husbands wish their wives knew, etc, but it all seemed drastically one-sided, where the wife is supposed to bend over backwards to "respect, honor, and submit" to her husband and his only responsibility is to "lead" the family without teaching men what Biblical leadership looks like! (which is servant leadership btw...look at Jesus!)

<3 Tirzah

Glorify God in Your Body and in Your Spirit, Which Are....Your Future Spouse's?

"For ye are bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit which are your future spouse's" (1 Corinthians 6:20)

Anyone with even a rudimentary knowledge of the Bible can see where I have misquoted the above verse. The actual scripture reads:

"For ye are bought with a price, therefore glorify God in your body and your spirit which are God's!" (1 Corinthians 6:20 emphasis mine)

Yet anyone who has been subject to conservative Christian teaching on purity is forced to admit that most Christian purity arguments go something like this.

a. It is God's intent for every Christian to marry someday.
b. He has chosen a spouse for each man/woman who consistently submits to His will.
c. The Proverbs 31 woman does her husband "good and not evil all the days of her life"
d. Therefore, she does him good even before she is married to him.
e. You are, whether you realize it or not, in a covenant relationship with your future spouse, regardless of your current relationship status.
f. It is your duty to do him good and not evil all the days of your life, This includes right now.
g. In light of that, any physical or emotional connection you have with a member of the opposite gender who is not either your husband or the person you are currently courting is sinful, if not downright adulterous.
h. (And I'm not even going to go into the whole "giving away pieces of your heart" doctrine!)

However. This argument is flawed for several reasons.

Firstly, it makes no provision for those who will never marry. Look at all the Biblical heroes who never married. Elijah, Paul, Luke, John the Baptist, Jeremiah, Isaiah...for crying out loud, even Jesus was single! Nowhere in the Bible does it say that being married is essential for serving the Lord. Jesus himself said that some are celibate for the kingdom of God and he not once condemns those who do not marry. Paul points out that those who are unmarried can better serve the Lord since their focus is on Him and not on their spouse.

Secondly, no where in the Bible does it say that God has divinely appointed a spouse for each person. It does say that He has ordained all of our days, however, he also gave us free will.

Thirdly, the problem with applying scripture about the married to the unmarried is quite simply taking scripture out of context. As my old Pastor always said, "a text without a context is a pretext".

Fourth, this is purely Biblical speculation. Again, applying a scripture about a married person to the unmarried.

Fifth, please show me where in the Bible you find this idea. WITHOUT taking scripture out of context! If you are engaged to someone, well, yes, you are committed to them. But telling a young person that he/she is currently in a covenant relationship with a future spouse who may or may not exist essentially compels them to feel that they must marry the first person they have a serious relationship with, because if they don't, then they somehow have not "saved" themselves for their future spouse.

Sixth, again, it's all speculation built off Proverbs 31: 12.

Seventh, (and this is a topic for a whole blog post in and of itself), this is not only damaging to genuine guy-girl friendships, but places those who have dated, and/or been heartbroken in a "damaged goods" category and is straight up legalism. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that interaction, a deep connection to, or a relationship with someone of the opposite gender is a sin. Sexual immorality? Yes, is a sin. Adultery and lust? oh yeah. But to invent rules which are not in the Bible and claim that anyone who breaks these man-made rules is sinning against God is exactly what Jesus condemned the Pharisees for!

Now, obviously this doesn't mean you should trash your body, engage in premarital sex, etc. But I know that I, for one, have struggled with intense shame for many years because I bought this approach to relationships hook, line, and sinker. I beat myself up over a simple dance with a guy (and mind you, this was swing dance, not even, like, slow dancing or something!) because according to this approach, since I had allowed a guy to hold my hand, I was now "impure" and hadn't "saved everything" for my future husband. Well, what if I never marry? Does that mean that I should never ever dance with a guy, hold hands, have a heart to heart, etc because it somehow doesn't save ALL my body, mind, spirit, and soul for a future spouse who, like I've said before, may or may not exist??

Now does that mean that you shouldn't stay pure? Of course not! Ultimately, though, how many souls you've won for Christ is going to be of far more value to God than the number of times you've held a guys hand.

Our approach to purity should be to, as the verse says, to glorify God in our bodies and spirits because they are bought with a price, and belong to GOD! My body does not belong to my future spouse. But by the same token, it doesn't belong to me, either! It belongs to God. It is HIS temple, and I have a responsibility to HIM to use it wisely and for HIS ultimate glory. Scripture says that as an unmarried woman, I have greater freedom to focus on GOD because I don't have to worry about pleasing my husband. If I am so consumed with the little things, however, all with a purpose to "please my future spouse", then what's the purpose of being single anyways??

May as well be married. To a shadow. Because that's basically what you are. Married to a ghost of a future spouse who may or may not exist, but who you cannot "defraud" because to do so would make you "sinning against God and His word".  Purity becomes nothing but fear based legalistic behavior management.

Which is utter nonsense.

My purpose for purity is to bring God glory.

Because, ultimately, that's my purpose for living, anyways.

<3 Tirzah