I've been the one people turn to for advice, for counsel, for a safe place to talk to, for someone to listen and understand, and for someone to just lean on.
And I didn't question that. In fact, I loved it - still do. I love helping people, I love seeing their eyes light back up, and watching them come broken, and leave, well, better at least.
But the problem was, I was drowning. There's a quote, 'Sometimes you don't realize you're drowning, trying to be everyone else's anchor'. That was me.
And I couldn't stop. I couldn't say no, I couldn't tell the person I was helping that they were actually hurting me, I couldn't be struggling, and, to quote a friend of mine, I was 'addicted to helping people' because, while they hurt me, they also made me feel needed, wanted, important, and valuable. And the things I was helping friends with weren't small things, either. These were kids on the verge of suicide, kids struggling with eating disorders, self harm, abusive families, PTSD, etc. And I had been told I was 'the only person who understood', so I felt as though I had to be there, I had to save them, because there was no one else.
Plus, everything I had been brought up on, everything I had been taught about the Christian life, was that a true Christian puts aside himself/herself and puts others first. We are to love our neighbors, think of others more highly than ourselves, look out for the interests of others, and, above all, we are to live selflessly, like Christ. What they don't tell you, though, is that, although I could relate in a special way because I was going through those same things, helping over a dozen people at the same time with those same issues while also struggling with those things yourself, just isn't healthy.
But, every time I said no, ignored a cry for help because I was already over - overwhelmed, or prioritized my own needs over that of another, I felt horribly guilty and selfish. After all, we don't live for ourselves. we live for others, right? As another friend put it, 'The 'christian' thing to do is to sacrifice your personal well being, to help someone else'.
See, the thing is, though, that's a lie. It's a noble lie, yet a lie nonetheless.
The second greatest commandment is to 'love your neighbor as yourself'. But for me, at least, I lived as though that verse actually read, 'love your neighbor instead of yourself'. The problem with thinking that way, is that, unless you love yourself, you can't love others!
'So often we think that is an admonition to treat others better. But if we are broken and empty, we have nothing to give. Our neighbor is worse off if we don't take care of ourselves. we must love and care for ourselves, then how can we love our neighbor?'
And, honestly, that's the truth.
It's not selfish to learn to love yourself before allowing others to pile their burdens onto you until you're sinking. It's not selfish to say no, if you're drowning, and they thoughtlessly continue to tax you without giving anything in return....
It's not wrong to love yourself.
In fact, it's necessary. The verse says 'love your neighbor as yourself'', but if I hate myself, then I cannot truly love my neighbor as myself, because to do so would be to hate them! It's not vain or selfish to take care of yourself, to love and care for yourself.
You have to.
Also, I can't derive my worth, my knowledge that I am loved, and my sense of identity from whether or not I can or can't talk people down. I learned that the hard way at the end of last year when three separate friends of mine attempted suicide, all within just weeks of each other. There were a few times when I slept with my phone in my hand, because I didn't know if, when I woke, they would still be here. Thankfully, none of them died. In all honesty, God saved them, because it sure wasn't me!
And, that's not to say that true selfishness (definition: of a person lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own profit or pleasure), is okay. Because it's not.
But it's not selfish to love yourself. Selfishness would be utter disregard for the feelings and thoughts of others because you're so absorbed with your own pursuits. Quite frankly, selfishness would be throwing all your burdens on a friend you knew was struggling, without caring how they were affected by it. And saying no isn't, by definition, selfish. It's necessary. And it's a lesson I'm finally learning.
I am learning that I can't save everyone, much as I would like to, and that sometimes I can't be the person to talk everyone else down when I can barely talk myself down!
And I'm learning that that's okay.
That it's okay to say no, it's okay to take care of me, it's okay to allow myself to heal before I try to heal others, but, most of all, that it's not only okay to love myself, it's necessary.
And it's about time I started.
<3 Tirzah
