{'Godly' womanhood in a nutshell...as per Debi Pearl and such}

Dear Girl, 

Whether you're newly married, single, or have been married for years, I just know that the tactics in this book will prove invaluable to you in your journey of placating the male gender in order to secure your own lasting happiness which can only be found when you are fulfilling your submissive role. 

Firstly, you must know that there are two types of woman: the Proverbs 31/Titus 2 woman, and, well, the Bathshebas and Jezebels of the world. Make sure you're the former. This entails staying at home, striving to be feminine and dainty and modest and saintly. You must sexy only for your husband, yet worthy of a pedestal to the rest of the world. If you are the latter, or any less than the former, then God will be furious with you for tempting his menfolk to sin. 

The fundamental thing you must learn is that men are always superior. always. unequivocally. without exception. God made it that way for your own good. You're a silly, weak, emotional creature who needs to be kept in line by a man, and therefore God made men. Depending on your status, this could be your father, brothers, husband, or, well, any other man really. Men > women. always. this is why women are not supposed to work. or preach. or teach. or get a job outside the house. because if they do, then they are usurping the man's role as always superior. 

Secondly, submission means that you do not question, do not disagree, do not argue with anything that the man says. If your father says something, your husband says something, then you render joyful unquestioning obedience. It matters not how unreasonable or irritable he may be.  The more you bow down before him, reverence him, and give him unlimited power over your life, the more he will be inclined to be magnanimous, and the more he will love and cherish you. (I dare you to ask the slaves how that worked for them)

Remember that there is no such thing as abuse, when it comes from a 'Christian' man. If it appears to you, weak woman that you are, that he is being abusive, just remember that you do not know everything; and what seems like abuse to you might really be ordained by God for your own good... or something that God told the man... or a decision which he made for your ultimate good... or because you did something wrong... so just pray that God will help you to submit and do whatever he tells you. After all, the reason that you feel like you are being abused is because you are really just mad that you cannot dictate his actions to him. remember your place. 

Thirdly, you must respect him. he doesn't want or need your love. he needs your respect. This means that under no circumstances must you damage his poor frail male ego. Even the slightest hint of doubt will be enough to cripple a man for life. Do not tell him anything that is wrong with him. Do not ask him to change. Do not dare criticize him. It is simply pride that makes you feel like you are in a position to preach to *the man*. Sit down and shut your mouth. 

Modesty is paramount. Men are simply incapable of controlling themselves, to the point where even the mere shape of the female form will lead them into unspeakable sins. If you are an unmarried woman, then you are singlehandedly responsible for all men around you. If any guy finds you attractive, then you are guilty of seduction on par with the sin of Bathsheba, and consequently responsible for making the stronger vessels fall. Of course, the only place where modesty ceases to matter is if you are married and alone with your husband. Then, it is your bounden duty to be sexy and make him want you so that he doesn't cheat on you because you have failed in your duty as a wife. 

If you are unmarried and in a relationship, then you must hold sex over his head as the ultimate reward for marrying you. You can't possibly expect him to be willing to put up with all your female mood swings and high maintenance selves. Guys don't want that. God didn't create them to want that, or even be able to understand your emotionality. Guys only want one thing. That one thing is sex. Girls want love and security and safety and a family, but all the guy really needs is for you to agree with him in everything and give him lots of sex. 

That's why you aren't supposed to give him sex before he marries you. Because all he really wants from you is sex, so if you give it to him before you get a wedding ring, then he will leave you. Who wants the cow if you can get the milk for free? Before he marries you, you ought to be the paragon of female angelic purity. You're a girl, therefore can't understand his sex drive. Just understand that that's the way all men are. Girls want love, guys want sex. 

However, once he marries you, then sex is what will keep him married to you. Sex and submission. Become his personal slut. Act out all his sexual fantasies. Whether you like it or not is really of no consequence. It isn't for your pleasure, nor is it supposed to be. As per the revered Doug Wilson, "the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts".  You should just be happy that you've pleased him. Unless, of course, it's anal sex because that's what homosexuals do. (yes, this was actual advice. I'm not making this up). 

Don't have female friends because that could lead to homosexuality. Don't have male friends because they might hug you and you will thereby cause them to fall. Your husband might also feel threatened by the fact that you care about someone other than him. Your husband should be all in all to you - best friend, lover, prophet, priest....after all, you honor God by obeying your husband. If he cheats on you, it is your fault for not having enough sex with him. If his eyes wander, it is your fault for not being sexy enough. 

Finally, nothing is free. You earn love. You earn God's love through your implicit obedience to your husband, and you earn your husband's love as well. You must admire and respect and adore and worship him for who he is, without even daring to whisper a hint of changing him - but God forbid you be arrogant enough to expect him to love you for who you are! You earn and keep your husband's love through ample sex, maintaining your youthful figure, wearing makeup (or..not..depending on what he likes), being beautiful, being a sex goddess in private and a perfect homemaker christian wife in public, making him the envy of all his male friends, making him look good in front of the church, deferring to him in absolutely everything, and in all other ways serving him as his housemaid/whore/slave/worshipper all rolled into one. 

If you do all this, then you will be fulfilling your sole and chief purpose as a woman. For the married woman, by following these principles, you will honor God and honor your husband, and you will find fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams. God will be pleased with you, your husband will love you, and your kids will rise up and call you blessed and want a marriage just like the one that you have. If you are single, or still unmarried, then you can practice these principles of submission and respect on your father and your brothers while you wait for a young man to approach your father for your hand in marriage. 

And anyone who disagrees is a lesbian feminist who has forsaken her God-given place, thereby bringing disgrace upon her gender, and God's curse upon society. 

{All You've Ever Wanted}

someone downstairs this early in the morning had turned the radio to full volume, stirring me from a deep sleep as I  rolled sleepily out from under my warm comforter, shivering, pulling a sweatshirt over my head...

.....only to suddenly stop dead in my tracks 

after all, what are the odds that the music floating up the staircase was the precise song I had found myself falling asleep to last night, after the frenetic sobs had subsided. 

"All You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted, all You've ever wanted was my heart...
freedom's arms are open. my chains have all been broken. 
relentless love has called me from the start....
all You wanted was my heart" 

burying my forehead in my palms, I sat down heavily on the edge of my bed, letting the lyrics wash over me once more, still groggy from lack of sleep last night. 

I hadn't fallen asleep until well past 1 in the morning, coming face to face with my crying inability to accept a love freely offered, without feeling as though I need to somehow earn it. and looking back over my life, I shouldn't find it surprising that I have come away with the messages 'try harder/be better/do more if you would be worthy of love'. 

when it came to my parents, I considered the score even. I obey, and they love me. I disobey or displease them and I deserve punishment, and must atone for my misdeeds. Do good and they will love me. Otherwise, they won't. Don't be a burden, but support them when they need emotional support. Do housework, be a good student, earn their approval and affirmation. 

when it came to my friends, I help them when they are down. they help me when i am down. it is my responsibility to be a kind, considerate friend, to not over-tax them, to not burden them with my problems unduly, and to support them. Therefore i earn their love and care. 

when it came to mentors, I earn their approval through doing what they say is right. quit cutting. recover from my eating disorder. stop doing things that they say are wrong, and if i comply with all their expectations, then i will be able to be worthy of their time, effort, investment, and love. 

when it came to relationships, the formula was simple. Acquiesce. Submit. Do what they want, make them look good, lose weight and be perfect and meek and quiet and let them have whatever they want, and if you do all that, then you will ensure that he always loves you. otherwise it is your fault, your responsibility, if he stops loving you, and your job to earn it back. 

...and when it came to God? do all the right things, check all the boxes, live in constant fear of messing up, apologize for the very breath I take, punish myself when I feel I have let Him down or displeased Him, offer Him whatever He wants.... I am still trying to earn His love, because I cannot believe that it is possible for Him to love me. 

i cannot conceive of a love which would love me even when I do not love myself. I cannot wrap my mind around being wanted despite the fact that I mess up, am messed up, hurt people and will continue to do so in spite of my best efforts not to. 

and if you claim you love me? there must be something I am doing/have done/can do to earn it. something physical, material, substantial. something i can point to and say 'this makes me worthy', because I know I am not.  

but the song which has haunted me since last night's meltdown, begging him, begging Him to please let me earn their love only to be met with 'all I've ever wanted is your heart', smacks me again this morning, crying that 'freedom's arms are open...your chains have all been broken...relentless love has called, is calling you..and it doesn't want you to try harder, jump through more hoops, perform better, or make yourself perfect. all it wants, all it longs for, is your heart. who you are. just you' 

hashing it out with a friend later today, i confess that there is nothing which makes me angrier or more frustrated than that thought. I sense, rather than see, her smile. 

"In your mind you drastically fall short of being worthy of the love that's being given to you. and it frustrates you to no end because you cannot see what others see in you. you can't understand when looking at you, why they choose to love you."

she is uncannily accurate. if I can only halfway like me when I do all the things that i think are right, and make me look clean on the outside, then why in the world would anyone want my messy, mismatched, bloody, broken, holey heart? 

and I am sitting here, half in tears, typing, when the five year old brother breaks into my thoughts, holding out a 'scepter' staff, the other half of the curtain rod, as tall as he is. 

"touch it! touch it!" he cries gleefully. I comply, half smiling at his newest game. 

"now you have to give me something!" he announces. "like candy..or something..or whatever you have". 

my hand blindly reaches over, eyes still on his face, seizing on the first thing from my desk that it touches.

a small heart, shaped from plastic iron-on-beads, and without thinking I hold it out. 

"I have a heart?" 

His face breaks into a boyish grin. "Thank you!" and grabbing it in his free hand, he bestows a parting smile on me before skipping off. 

and God laughs, and pats me on the head. 

and i sigh, running fingers through my hair in bewildered frustration.  

what if what He really wants isn't what I do. what if what He wants is who I am? 

my heart? 

your heart?

no matter how busted or bruised or beat up or...plastic?...it is. 

what if when He looks at it, He sees beauty? 

because if we are His tapestry, His work of art, then all we would see from the inside is the wrong side of the work. the loose ends. the brokenness. the tangled string splashed across a canvas in a meaningless mess.  

but what if when He looks at us, He sees the right side. He sees the weaving as it is, but also as He is shaping it to be, and He sees the glory of the finished work when all I can see is the struggle and all I can wonder is why, why He would ever choose me. He sees the pattern He is working through the pain, and if the holy God of the universe knows all my sins and still wants me as I am, then dare I say no? 

dare I "turn away with a smile on my face, with this sin in my heart try to bury your grace" only to "alone in the night still call out for You, so ashamed of my life" my life, my one and given life which I cannot seem to throw away no matter how hard I try? 

what if there is nothing I can do to earn it? what if, like grace, love is free? freely given and freely received in gratitude to the Giver? 

what if...what if I am simply allowed to...be? to rest? to accept the love that is mine instead of endlessly chasing the things I think will make me worthy of it? 

what if all He's ever wanted is my heart...and He loves me anyways, just as I am? 

what if it's past time I stopped running and hiding and deflecting with do more/be more/try harder? 

what if i just..said...yes?

Oh and what on earth

"but what does that mean practically?!" I half-wailed aloud at 10pm last night before slamming my forehead into my mattress in frustrated confusion. 

the question at hand was a result of my insistence that my boyfriend and I, as I put it, 're-evaluate boundaries', and, consequently, I found myself both miserable and stumped.

not that we didn't already have boundaries - some of them set by my parents, and some set by us - but they were much more general than I had been taught they ought to be, and therefore it seemed the right thing to, as i put it mentally, 'lay down some real concrete boundaries'. 

so I, in complete earnest, wanted to know "what NOT to do". Give me a list, tell me exactly what is and isn't allowed, and I'll be good. right? 

His response wasn't quite what I'd expected. Apart from pointing out a few things we both had just assumed were a given... "Yield to God, and trust Him...if we want this to be of God, then we let His Spirit and Word guide. Not man-made rules of how we 'ought' to be"....

...which resulted in my aforementioned reaction, and this morning, reading my devotional, I realized just what was wrong. 

see, it wasn't that we didn't have boundaries. we do. 

it wasn't even that we weren't abiding by aforementioned boundaries. we are. 

the real issues, I'm realizing, is that I want my old trusty relationship rules. 

(my sister gave me the epitome in loving sister looks - the one that screamed, "You're being an idiot and you know it and i know it so snap out of it" - when I asked for the legalistic relationship books last month) 

but, I still want a spelled-out list of what to do and what not to do. 

i want the ten commandments of us. 

things like

"you must sit at least six inches apart at all times" 

or 

"all hugs other than side hugs are prohibited" 

and 

"don't ever get into a car alone with him". 

because if you give me a cache of commandments, a list of rules, then... the rules are responsible. not us. the rules will do all the work, and the rules are...quite frankly... easier. 

It is much easier to adhere to a list of man-made rules and regulations, as opposed to walking with God, and trusting Him to live through me as I seek Him. 

because the rules don't require you to grow in grace, or walk with Christ. they don't necessitate a real relationship, and they definitely don't teach self control. which is part of why I say that they are easier. 

it's so much easier to, for instance, say that we won't hug other than side hugs...or never hold hands...or never be alone with the other person unless you're married...as opposed to actually practicing patience and discipline and prudence and self control and all those things which are thoroughly impossible in our own strength. 

see, a legalistic approach to purity, I'm coming to realize, completely operates without God. it operates without the power of the Holy Spirit, and relies on pure human willpower. Hence the rules. because if I am perfectly honest, I have found myself focusing more on 'whether or not I'm being wrong by the purity rules' as opposed to 'whether or not what I am saying, doing, or thinking is glorifying to God'. I've been so caught between 'I really like him' and 'oh my gosh, what if i mess this up!?' that I've completely taken my eyes off of Christ. i want to lose weight so i can be good for him. i want to make this perfect. i want to make my parents happy. i want to make him happy. i want him and I am afraid of my own desires and wants, and somehow between the past few weeks' stress and forgetting to eat, I haven't focused on Christ at all. 

but and i wonder what would happen if, instead of being so fixated on purity..the do's and the don'ts and micromanaging...I focused on Christ. I focused on His love for me, and how I could best glorify Him in each and every situation I find myself in. 

and this morning's devotional from 2 Corinthians, "beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit"...okay...but how? 

"perfecting holiness in the fear of God"

If I focus on the fear of going wrong, or the fear of being impure and making my boyfriend fall, or the fear of him not loving me anymore, then my focus is in the wrong place. My focus should be on God. to fear Him and love Him and serve Him and glorify Him and glory in Him. 

and out of that focus, flows purity... and self control... and freedom. 

and I don't know about you, but I would far rather find my purity flowing from a celebration of the freedom from the shame-chains of the past that has been granted me through Christ, rather than one which stems from fear based legalistic behavior management. 

wouldn't you? 

so I guess that leaves me right back where I started at the beginning of the year... a phrase which is becoming somewhat of a motto for me 

'run as hard and as fast as you can towards Christ.. and everything else will fall into place'

indeed

An Open Letter to Anyone Still Voting for Trump

Dear Voter, 

By now the news has likely reached you - as it has us all - of the latest expose on Donald Trump's true views on women, from his own lips no less. 

We have seen it splashed on front page news that the GOP Presidential Nominee is not only guilty of (at least) two cases of rape including underage girls, numerous horrifically discriminatory comments towards women and those of other races, and a complete and utter disregard of all basic rules of common decency and decorum. 

But the recent release of the 2005 tape seems to be the breaking point for many Republicans - where we stand up and declare that we cannot support him, even as 'the lesser of the two evils' or an alternative to Hillary's corruption. 

The callous disdain he shows for the most fundamental principles of propriety should send anyone in their right mind running; but, to my horror, there seems to be a growing number actually defending him, and still set on voting for him next month. 

to make comments such as "all guys talk like that", or "all men think that/ all men have dirty minds", or "those women were asking for it"... as if that excuses his reprehensible behavior... blows my mind. It's been said before, but bears repeating, that he wasn't a (relatively) clueless 14 year old. He was 60.... and a pervert. 

However, if you persist in voting for him.. there are a few things I'd like you to know. 

First, if you vote for him, then you are agreeing with a mentality and mindset which says that all men are no better than perverted maniacal sex-crazed lustful beasts, incapable of controlling themselves, and  that women are not worth the basic respect and dignity due them as human beings created in the image of God. 

there is an entire subset in the Republican Party, the homeschooling community, the 'Christian Right', which pays lip service to the concept of womanhood as sacred, and yet, in practice, disregards that entirely - those who defended the acts of men like Josh Duggar and Bill Gothard and Doug Phillips and Bill Cosby and others. 

Don't believe me? Look up Tony Perkins. James Dobson. Sarah Palin. David Barton... 

what's even scarier is that the exact same phrases we are hearing now in an attempt to excuse Trump's comments...? we've heard them before - when the abuse and molestation perpetrated by Gothard, Duggar, and others came to light. 

"no one's perfect!" "we all sin!" "get over it!" "that was years ago!" "women ask for it by their dress, and then get mad when men take them up on their shameless sexual invitation!" "it's just a liberal media tactic to tarnish him!" "it wasn't really that bad!" 

but just because no one's perfect doesn't mean that there isn't a difference between someone who is genuinely upright (or striving to be), and someone who gloats about their misdeeds. Just because we all sin doesn't mean that heinous crimes are excusable. just because it was years ago doesn't mean that we've seen any change in his attitudes towards women (ask Megyn Kelly! or Heidi Cruz! or Marie Brenner! or his wife Ivana! or Alicia Machado!). He has a history of treating women as less than animals, and nothing appears to have changed, judging from his more recent comments. 

Just because others may have done worse doesn't excuse what he's done. wrong is wrong is wrong, regardless. two wrongs don't make a right, and the fact that Hillary is thoroughly corrupt doesn't negate Donald's wrongs. 

Secondly, if you vote for Donald Trump, you are proclaiming to the world that this man represents you. He represents America, and he represents everything that you stand for. 

Are you willing to tell the world that you stand for shameless sexual assault, discrimination, racism, egotism, narcissism, and a mindset which considers it completely acceptable and even necessary to "treat women like shit"?  Are you willing to cast in your lot with a lewd bombastic windbag who is incapable of keeping his word, and notoriously flip flops on issues of policy, and send him around the globe to represent your best interests? 

As a friend pointed out...can you look your girlfriend, your mother, your sisters, your grandmother, your female friends in the eye, read them Trump's comments on women, and then conscientiously tell them that you're voting for him?

Can you look your Hispanic friends in the eye, read them Trump's comments on Mexicans and immigrants, and then conscientiously tell them that you're voting for him? can you look your father, your brothers, your boyfriend, your guy friends in the eye and tell them that all men are no better than Trump and are lustful monsters with no regard for basic human dignity?

and i dare you to look a sexual abuse survivor in the eye and tell them you're voting Trump

are you willing to declare that you are incapable of telling the difference between 'normal' sexual conversation and a glorification of assault and abuse? after all, there's a heck of a lot of difference between commenting on someone you think is attractive, and bragging about grabbing a woman's privates and sexually assaulting her. for the record, kissing, intimately touching, or grabbing someone without their consent is considered sexual assault. which, incidentally, is kind of a big deal - let alone the cringe-worthy rape allegations. 

to a young woman of color, the prospect of a Trump presidency is nothing short of terrifying on every possible level. He encapsulates the sort of man that women instinctively steer clear of unless absolutely unavoidable. He's the one at family parties who gets drunk and brags about his sexual exploits, the one who hates your boyfriend because you're 'corrupting' the family gene pool by dating someone who isn't from the same race as you.

He's the one who chases you down on the street and becomes angry offended when you ignore his sexual advances. He's the one you can't pull a taser or pepper spray on, for fear of more than your own life. He's the one who'd walk into a room and demand coffee with a slap on your ass, who doesn't believe marital rape exists, and considers himself so irresistible that it is actually inconceivable to him that a woman would turn him down. 

Finally, if after all that, you still think that voting for Donald Trump is a good idea...

well then I sincerely hope that no one ever rapes you. 

i sincerely hope you never experience the powerlessness of being unable to fight back, or the crippling shame and humiliation of being reduced to nothing more than an object for the personal sexual pleasure of a man several years your senior. i hope you never stand under scorching water, tears running down your cheeks, as though the shower could scald the words "fat bitch cunt whore" from your memory and burn his touch from your skin. 

i hope molestation and sexual assault are nothing you ever encounter; because if you do, then you will suddenly see why the excuses made for his behavior cannot even come close to making expiation for it, and why all the words in the world cannot make recompense for the heinousness of his actions. and if, perchance, you love someone touched by sexual assault of any form, then you will realize why good men and women across the country are finding themselves incapable of supporting a candidate who laughs about actions which are so incredibly lastingly damaging to the victims of his lust. 

forgive someone guilty of sexual assault? yes. it's hard, but yes.

elect him president? absolutely not. 

because, see, contrary to what Trump apologists would like you to believe, there are actually men who have not raped women. there are actually men who have never assaulted someone, or forced their advances upon an unwilling victim. there are actually men (yes, even men in politics) who are upright. 

those are men worthy of the highest office in the land.

not men like Trump.

never men like Trump.