I made caramels today. for no other reason than that a. i wanted to, and b. I've been craving apple cider caramel for a while, now.
it took me some time, though, to get around to them. i would have made caramel over a week ago, but dressing room mirrors and head-voices are vicious, and quite frankly, i didn't want to 'get fat'.
i've heard people compare eating disorders to a toxic ex-boyfriend, because no matter how long it's been, they come around and sometimes, suddenly, no matter how wonderful life is without them, you can't breathe with how badly you want it back.
because this whole healthy eating thing is hard, and it's unfamiliar and strange and so hard, and even though the toxicity kills, it's familiar and God knows sometimes life races on so fast and so new and so constantly changing that you would give anything for one day of the old familiar control.
and some stores only work when you're a certain body type, and some clothes simply won't fit when you aren't starving yourself into them, and the thing that often kills me about my job is that it's one thing to discount perfect model pictures online as 'photo-shopped', but what do you do when they are standing right in front of you ordering off the menu hanging above your head?
and i have come too far and fought too hard to turn around and throw it all away, but there have been days within the past week which were easier to manage on an empty stomach, and while i love my work dearly, 5am shifts have quickly crowded out what little devotional time i had.
the typical response to 'i'm fat' is either a scoffed 'no, youre not!' or, my personal favorite, well-meaning advice regarding diet and that i ought to 'just eat healthy and workout', since no one seems to realize that working out or conventionally defined "healthy" eating isn't always an option for a girl wrestling with an eating disorder, because it will turn destructive.
now, normal people usually mean that if i wish to feel better about myself, i ought to start running/weight-lifting/their personal exercise of choice, and eating more fruits and vegetables.
it is never quite that banal for me.
i either over-exercise, or under-eat, and usually both.
for instance, last summer i destroyed my knee through excessive running. and, when i say excessive, i mean... running over ten miles per morning within a month of starting running, almost no rest days, and a tendency to deny myself food unless i had gotten in my run for that particular day.
i literally wouldn't eat unless i had gone running.
i've tried the "healthy eating" thing, too. It turns into counting calories and an unhealthy obsession with what my brother affectionately calls 'rabbit food' (aka...cucumbers and lettuce). i didn't eat protein. i wouldn't eat anything i didn't know the calorie count for, and absolutely refused to eat over 1000 calories per day.
...all this while running....or frenetically doing crunches after my sister fell asleep because i had to work off the calories i had eaten that day.
but I've come to a conclusion lately, that certain things aren't optional if I intend to function as a person.
these are things like morning devotions, naps, runs, water, and healthy food.
and by healthy? i don't mean just fruits and vegetables.
because lately i've come to the conclusion that our definition of healthy eating isn't necessarily healthy. or good. and that weight loss shouldn't actually be the end goal of exercise. and while i've half known this mentally, i'm just starting to put it into practice.
see, the Apostle John, while writing to the churches, says that he is praying that they may prosper and 'be in good health', but, he adds, 'even as your soul prospers'.
because there is so much more to health than the physical.
i'll say it again.
health is not solely defined by what you look like on the outside.
health is a measure of the over-all well being of your entire person: emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally.
health isn't necessarily defined by what you do. it's defined by why you do it.
therefore, if i am eating salads because i think i'm fat, because i hate myself, and isolating myself behind the familiar self-loathing, then that is not the healthy choice.
conversely, if my entire family is sharing a meat, as in, mom made lasagna or something and everyone is actually sitting down to eat together, the healthy response would be to join in, instead of hiding in the kitchen with lettuce.
today, the healthy response to my persistent craving for caramel was to make caramel, eat some, wrap up the rest, and now, craving satisfied, move on with life like a normal person instead of still stuck in the head-loop of 'must. not. eat.', which only makes me crabby and isolationist.
yesterday i went for a run, my first all year, because work had been stressful, and i knew i was babysitting that night, and needed a little time outdoors. i walk/ran 20 minutes, and then came back inside. and tonight, i am going to sleep without doing the 50 squats on my work-out challenge, because i went running yesterday and this morning, and quite frankly, i don't need that.
and when it comes to what it means to be healthy, i am learning to examine my motivation to determine whether i am being healthy or not.
if i run because i need the fresh air, because it is time alone with God, because being out and moving invigorates me, and leave the mile-calculator behind, then it is in good health.
but if i run because i think i'm fat, because my head is playing with me again, because i 'ate too much', then my motivation isn't health. it's fear.
if i make myself a salad because i'm craving green things, because they energize me and taste good, and because i simply want one, then my motivation is not based in sickness, but rather wellness. doing what is good for me on all levels, as opposed to trapped back into 'no sugar. no carbs. no fat. no more than 1000 calories a day'.
and so often, i know, we tend to compare, and stereotype skinny and salads as healthy, when in reality, the size of your waist is not always an indicator of health.
for me, today, healthy was making caramels and laughing with my little siblings. slipping outdoors at 5am to feel the morning on my skin and restraining myself from running too much too far too soon. healthy was fresh-baked bread and avocado asparagus salmon salad shared with a little brother who likes seafood almost as much as i do.
and there's nothing inherently wrong with eating fruits and veggies, or working out. as a matter of fact, they are often beneficial. but for the love of God, salads aren't equivalent to health.
fruits and vegetables are good for you, yes, but there is no health in a miserable existence, tormented by the thought that anything other than salads and smoothies and green juice is unhealthy and therefore evil and must not be eaten.
health - true health - encompasses the mind, soul, body, and spirit.
it cannot be relegated to greens on a plate.
