Music That Relates: My Experiences with Growing up Gothard, Christian Patriarchy & Stay At Home Daughtership

I'm a self styled music junkie, and not in the least ashamed of it!

However, purely in the interest of fun, I'm planning on compiling a weekly list of at least 10 songs on a particular topic. 

It's my own version of "Music Mondays", I guess ;) Can't promise I'll stay on top of it, but I'll at least try!!

This week the topic is Modesty/Purity Culture, IBLP, Christian Patriarchy, Stay At Home Daughtership, and my response and reaction to what's wrong with those ideologies. 

1. La La La by Naughty Boy and Sam Smith 

I came across this by accident today and was struck by how perfect some of the lyrics are. For instance:

I can't find your silver lining

I don't mean to judge

But when you read your speech it's tiring

Enough is enough

and 

I hate it when you hiss and preach

About your new messiah cause your theories catch fire

When our worlds collide

Gonna drown you out before I lose my mind

... all far too true. 

2. Dollhouse by Priscilla Renea 

This is far too accurate. In every single way. 

You called the shots

Right down to my shoes

I liked what you liked 

Cause you told me to

...personal experience with this....trust me, it kills. 

I tried to be a picture perfect girl

But you were in your own fantasy world

Tryna control me like some kinda barbie

But that just ain't me!

She's right. We're real people, not dolls in a dollhouse. 

3. Mean by Taylor Swift

While this doesn't specifically talk about controlling your kids, the general gist is the same.

You, with your words like knives 

And weapons that you use against me

 The solution is to...

4. Shake it Off by Taylor Swift

A friend sent this to me a few weeks ago, and quite frankly, Taylor Swift's right on this one. If you internalize everything people say about your imperfections or where you fall short, it's gonna destroy you. You just gotta "shake it off". 

5. Mother Knows Best from Tangled

Yes, I realize this is from a Disney movie, and that most authority is depicted negatively in Disney, BUT some of the lyrics brought back painful memories of spiritual and emotional guilt tripping.. 

You know why we stay up in this tower?
That's right, to keep you safe and sound, dear

Sorry to break it to ya, but oversheltering kids isn't where it's at

Me, I'm just your mother, what do I know?
I only bathed and changed and nursed you

Go ahead and leave me here, I deserve it

Let me die alone, here, be my guest

When it's too late, just wait, you'll see

Mother knows best

..and that, my friends, is emotional manipulation of the highest degree... 

6. Invisible by Hunter Hayes

I love this song so much... 

Those words cut deep

But they don't mean you're all alone

In their narrow minds there's no room 

For anyone who dares to do something different

There's so much more to life than what you're feeling now

etc, etc.. just trust me, its a fantastic song. 

7. The Mirror (Angel of Music) by Andrew Lloyd Webber

The relationship between the Phantom and Christine just reminds me so much of the idealized relationship between a girl and her father in the stay at home daughtership movement. 

Upon learning of Raoul's interest in Christine, the Phantom angrily sings:

Insolent boy, this slave of fashion, basking in your glory

Ignorant fool this brave young suitor sharing in my triumph!

Her response is a meek:

Angel, I hear you. Speak, I listen. Stay by my side, guide me

Angel, my soul was weak forgive me, Enter at last, Master.

And if you think I am making too drastic a comparison here, I challenge you to read So Much More for yourself!

8. Stars from Les Miserables

This just demonstrates some of the negative ideology so perfectly. If you "falter and fall", then you are no longer worthy of redemption. 

Those who follow the path of the path of the righteous

Shall have their reward

And if they fall as Lucifer fell, the flame the sword

And so it must be for so it is written 

On the doorway to Paradise

That those who falter and those who fall 

Must pay the price

Notice the utter absence of the concept of .. grace! 

9. Human by Christina Perri

This song just epitomizes so much of my experience with fundamentalism and the expectations of Christian Patriarchy, modesty/purity culture, etc.. 

But I'm only human

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

Cause I'm only human

I can turn it on 

Be a good machine

It's just so perfect. And it's what happens, too! You learn to endure, stifle your emotions, and suppress your heart, but in the end it just results in hurt and disappointment. 

10. Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

..Lest anyone say this ideology doesn't have lasting negative repercussions...

I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry because I know it's weakness in your eyes

Because of you, I find it hard to trust 

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you, I am afraid

Bonus:  Let it Go by Idina Menzel

..alright, I know you're probably sick of this song by now, but it's so true. 

Don't let them in, don't let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal don't feel 

Don't let them know

Need I say more? 

<3 Tirzah

"Be The Good Girl You Always Have To Be"

There seems to be an unspoken rule among Christians that troubles, depression, addictions, or temptation means that you have somehow failed in your walk with God and aren't "digging into the Word enough"(whatever that means!).

We all dress nicely and paste on a made up smile to go to our nice little churches where we sit neatly in a row listening to a sermon on what we can do to make ourselves better Christians, shake hands all around, "How are you, brother?" "Oh I'm good, praise the Lord, brother. How are you?" "I'm blessed and highly favored!" "Well, Amen, Praise the Lord!"...and on to the next person. We paste on false smiles, whitewash our lives, and the most genuine comment allowed is "Pray for me, I've been under some spiritual attack lately", to which the inevitable response is, "Oh I will pray for you" (even though you know they really won't), and a misquoted Bible verse on "rejoice in the Lord always" or "be anxious for nothing".

I had just turned 16 when Disney's "Frozen" first came out in theaters. The plot revolves around two sisters, one of whom has incredible power which can be used for good or destruction. And in an attempt to minimize the negative effect which her power could be used for, her parents teach her to conceal, hide, and don't feel in order to avoid hurting herself or others. While I initially enjoyed it, I didn't really connect with the film until Elsa started singing her iconic song, Let It Go. Hearing the song for the first time, when she reached the lyrics:

"Don't let them in/Don't let them see/Be the good girl you always have to be/Conceal don't feel/ Don't let them know"

I got shivers down my spine as those lines hit home, and I recognized everything I had internalized about friendships and relationships from church, youth group, and homeschool group encapsulated in just a few short lines.

Too often, in Christian circles, we teach folk that in order to be "godly" we must be perfect. Fake it till you make it. Put on the good christian girl(or guy) mask. Pretend that life is always good and you're "blessed and highly favored" no matter what turmoil your world may be in. Anything can be solved by reading one's bible more or praying more. And if, by some chance, that doesn't solve all your problems, well then, you must not be close enough to the Lord. Either way, it's your fault. Put on a smile, suck it up, and move on. Paste on that happy face and fool the world.

For God's sake, don't talk about depression, let alone admit to being depressed! Don't talk about self harm or suicide or any other such uncomfortable disturbing topic! Don't talk about physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, or spiritual abuse, because we all know that physical/sexual abuse is the only valid form of abuse, right? Don't struggle with PTSD, bipolarity, insomnia, anorexia, bulimia, eating disorders, lust, same sex attraction, drug/substance abuse, addictions, cutting, suicidal thoughts, schizophrenia, or any other mental illness. Don't ever have anxiety or panic attacks because God commands us to not be anxious about anything, right?

WRONG!

Of all the places I have ever been to, I've felt the least safe at church. I've looked around at everyone else's picture perfect lives and been convinced that I just wasn't reading my Bible enough or praying enough, therefore I was depressed. And the amount of guilt was overwhelming. The few people I did confide in either didn't understand, or told me that if I "drew closer to God", all my problems would be fixed. And those who DID understand and truly help me were those who would definitely not classify as your typical Christian. Those who had been through real struggles, the kind not traditionally discussed on Sunday morning.

They weren't your classic "good Christian girl/boy". They were... real. They had the same problems as ordinary people, and I felt safe talking to them about any and everything.

And I slowly began to learn that .. guess what? It's ok not to be perfect. It's okay to struggle, it's ok to fall down. You just can't let the struggle become your identity.

It's alright to be depressed. It doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you. Depression is a flaw in your genetic makeup, not a flaw in your character.

Self harm is an addiction and craving, but there's no shame in getting help. Those who deserve to be ashamed are those who would shame someone who is finally getting the help they need. The scars are just battle wounds.

All your problems are not always spiritual, and it's ok to be real. Spiritual and verbal abuse exist. Mental illness isn't always a spiritual problem and can't always be cured by quoting a Bible verse.

Personally, my heavy mask is finally cracking, and I'm learning to open up and that there's no shame in admitting to having a bad day, being depressed, relapsing, falling down, as long I get back up eventually. Letting people in isn't always a bad thing, you just have to choose who to open up to. If they can be real with you, then you can be real with them. But heaven preserve us from lip service whitewashed "perfect" Christians. Because, honestly, no one's that perfect and it would do us a great deal of good to admit it for once.

Maybe, just maybe, then more people would start being real with themselves and others, especially in the body of Christ.

It's past time to discard the masks.

<3 Tirzah

Why I've Stopped Calling Myself a Christian

The word "Christian" today has a myriad of meanings; some good, some bad.

Initially, it was used to denote followers or imitators of Christ. The word itself means "Little Christ", and was first applied to believers in Antioch who were exemplary in adhering to Christ's commands. But with the overwhelming negative connotations which are associated with this word nowadays, I've stopped calling myself a Christian.

"Christian" nowadays means anything from (courtesy of Urban Dictionary, paraphrased ;) ) :

Someone who is a self righteous legalist and legislates morality for everyone else based on THEIR narrow interpretation of the Old Testament

Someone who goes to church and has been baptized but doesn't really care about what the Bible teaches and lives exactly like everyone else

Someone who blindly adheres to everything their church teaches without checking it against the Bible

Someone who worships a grandfather in the sky

Someone who substitutes tradition and religion for an actual relationship with Christ.

Someone who stands on a box on the corner of the street yelling "You're all going to hell!"

Someone who hates gays, prostitutes, divorced people, feminists, abortionists, and anyone who doesn't agree with them on everything.

Someone whose God is a weak pushover with long hair and a girl's face

Someone who doesn't know how to have fun and is a goody-two-shoes

Someone who doesn't drink, smoke, swear, and hates those who do

The Wikipedia definition of Christianity, here, is "a person who adheres to Christianity, an Abrahamic monotheistic religion based on the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth"

Let me be the first to say that that is NOT what I am.

I am a follower of Christ, yes. A child of the King of Kings, yes. But I am not a "Christian".

I do not adhere to a religion. I have a relationship with the Living God.

I do not blindly follow everything my church says. I search the scriptures for myself.

I do not give two figs what tradition says if the Bible contradicts tradition.

I do not hate people who think differently than I do. I'll pray for them, sure, but if I want to witness to someone, I'll let my actions do the talking, and NOT my mouth.

I worship a God who created the universe and who couldn't have been a weak pushover because weak pushovers do NOT drive greedy people out of His temple with a whip.

I do not believe alcohol is inherently wrong, or that all swearing is necessarily evil either. And while I do believe the Bible has something to say about immorality, I'm not going to hate or judge you if you're homosexual, bi, or have had sex before your wedding night. That's between you and God, not me.

And I could go on. But honestly, I've just been so fed up with the blatant hypocrisy, legalistic attitude, and judgmentalism, which seem to be the trademarks of modern Christianity, that I am no longer calling myself a Christian.

I am a follower of Christ. I am His disciple and daughter.

But I can no longer identify with a religion whose overwhelming hallmarks seem to be judgmentalism, legalism, hypocrisy, discrimination, and hatred, all of which, I might add, are in direct contradiction to the life of Jesus himself.

The real Jesus dined with sinners.. I'll bet the drink of choice there sure wasn't water!

The real Jesus hung out with prostitutes... I'll bet their clothes weren't 'modest'

The real Jesus cared enough to deeply know those he associated with, and I'll bet people felt safe trusting Him with anything.

The real Jesus condemned the religious leaders of His day for just that kind of self righteous legalism which sees people as problems to be fixed and not wounded humans in need of healing.

The real Jesus drove money changers out of His house with a whip! This was no weakling God.

The real Jesus never forced anyone to "get their act together" before coming to Him, and severely despised those who attempted to legislate who was "worthy" of coming to God and who was not.

And, I refuse to blindly follow the masses of Christians caught up in a false religion worshiping a false god of their own creation.

So I am leaving Christianity.....in search of Christ.

On Being Undragoned

I cannot remember the last time I cried during a church sermon.

Yet, yesterday morning in church I sobbed like a baby and left feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, reconnected to God, and glad I had come.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, so let me explain.

The sermon centered on Jesus' encounter with Matthew the tax collector, in Mark chapter 2. Matthew is a greedy cheat, a sinner, and a social outcast, whom Jesus, instead of rejecting, not only called to be his follower, but also hung out with him and his friends. Instead of pointing the finger of judgment, Jesus held open the arms of love. And Matthew was saved.

What hit me particularly, though, was that as the pastor dissected the three types of people in this passage (the outcasts, the judgmental legalists, and Jesus), he narrowed in on the outcasts using Eustace from The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader as an example.

Eustace is, frankly, a whiny brat who hates having been "dragged" into Narnia and persists in insisting that the King find him a "British Consul" so he can further complain about the lack of modern conveniences. (I mean, c'mon! Who doesn't have Plumbs Vitaminized Nerve Water on board a medieval ship!?) The turning point in Eustace's life, however, comes when the ship lands on a deserted Island, and instead of staying with the ship, Eustace sets out to explore, comes across a dragon's hoard, and falls asleep in the dragon's lair. The next morning when he wakes up, he finds that, overnight, he's turned into a dragon.

He has become a monster.

I'm betting that if Skillet held a concert in Narnia, he'd be their biggest fan. After all, who truly understands what it is like to feel like a monster better than an actual monster?

The pastor went on to say that maybe, for some of the audience, that's where they found themselves. They were Eustaces in dragon form, looking at themselves in the mirror wondering "How in the world did I get here? This is the last place I would have imagined myself, yet here I am". They are the outcasts, the rejects, those shunned by modern Christianity.

And...this is where I lost it crying. Because I've been there. I've been the girl staring herself in the mirror, tears streaming down her cheeks, asking herself, "How in the world did I find myself in this hell?" I've been the girl terrified of getting help for fear of being judged, certain that I would never find love, and resigned to being a monster forever.

But, as the pastor reminded us, the beauty is that Eustace's story doesn't end there. Because, you see, one day Eustace meets Aslan. And Aslan, if you know your Narnia, is a figure of Jesus. Aslan takes Eustace to the top of a mountain, and there, before a well of crystal water, tells him to undress and wash to be made human again. Yet after shedding his skin countless times, Eustace is no closer to freedom than he was at the outset.

In the words of Eustace himself, "Then the lion said - but I don't know if it spoke - 'You will have to let me undress you.' I was pretty afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty near desperate now, So I just lay flat on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear He made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when He began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt...Well He peeled the beastly stuff off - just as I thought I'd it myself the other...times - only it hadn't hurt,..Then He caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I had no skin on - and threw me into the water...As soon as I started swimming and splashing, I saw ... I had turned into a boy again!"

Ultimately, this is where it's at. Because only Christ can "un-dragon" us. Only Christ can turn brokenness into beauty, and a monster into a messenger. It's going to hurt worse than anything to let Him take the darkness, pain, and heartbreak but the resulting freedom is so exquisitely beautiful, it all becomes worth it.

I know.

I know because I've lived it.

I'm me again, and it's absolutely splendid.

I've been undragoned.

"It's My Body"

"We've had a huge emphasis on a woman's right to her own body. It's your body you do what you want with it. Now, some girls have taken that philosophy to the extreme and have abused their bodies with eating disorders, with substance abuse, with drugs and alcohol. 'It's my body; I can wreck it. I can trash it.'"                                       - Nancy Leigh DeMoss

While reading through some transcripts of Nancy Leigh DeMoss' podcasts on Modesty, I came across this audacious statement. 

Let me say, that as someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, mild substance abuse, and self harm, NEVER ONCE has the thought "it's my body; I can do what I want with it" crossed my mind in relation to self destructive behaviors. 

"I'm worthless", yes

"I deserve to be punished", yes

"I am ugly, fat, etc" absolutely. 

But, "It's my body, I can wreck it, I can trash it"? Never. 

I can't even tell you what callous disdain and disregard this shows towards women who have struggled with and are struggling with eating disorders, substance abuse, and drug and alcohol misuse. She's essentially saying that if you are engaged in self destructive behaviors, you have bought the philosophy that your body is your own, you can do with it what you wish, and absolutely neglecting the underlying issues in relation to self destructive behaviors. 

No one starts self destructive behaviors using "It's my body" as initiative! 

I do know people who, after years of self destructive behaviors, have finally resorted to "Mind your own business, it's my body I do what I want" in order to silence some incredibly judgmental people. 

But to make a blanket statement that anyone who self destructs is automatically using that as their reason and motivation is just plumb wrong.

On Spanking and Self - Harm...My Punishment Is Greater Than I Can Bear

Maybe I'm the oddball, but, I was reading some articles on the lifelong effects that spanking children has on their emotional and mental development when it hit me.

Being spanked as a child is a large part of why I started self harming as a teenager.

Let me unpack this statement a little bit. From a child, I had been taught through example that physical punishment was the Biblically advocated way of training your children. To be fair, my mother absolutely hated spanking us. She would cry at night because she believed it was wrong. But according to Mike and Debi Pearl, corporal punishment is the only way to properly "train up a child". We were spanked for back talking, direct disobedience, rebellion, tattling...and the list goes on.

Being spanked teaches a child that physical pain is the only appropriate atonement for his/her misdemeanors.

And while my parents truly loved us and believed that spanking was the Biblical way to train their children, I have come to question the subconscious impact which this ideology has had on the way I relate to punishment.

When I was 15, I reached a particularly low point in my life. My parents had just found out about a young man I was in a relationship with, and were extremely displeased with the content of some of our conversations (eg. swearing, his expressing a desire to kiss me, etc..) among other things. Feeling that a relationship was not in my best interest at this point, they grounded me for a week and lectured me extensively. But, for me, this punishment wasn't enough. Although I didn't realize it at the time, I had become subconsciously convinced that punishment which did not cause physical pain was not adequate punishment. Because, after all, a lecture was never good enough when I had sinned as child. Spanking was always in order. Therefore, as soon as I found myself alone in my room, I, almost instinctively, physically lashed out against myself, taking a disposable razor to my wrist until it was dripping blood. I felt instantly better. Afterwards, I cleaned it up, bandaged it, and fell asleep. Dad commented the next day that I seemed happier. I was even smiling!

It became a vicious cycle. Whereas when I was a child, if I did something wrong, I was immediately spanked and then the incident was forgotten, as I got older the spanking became less frequent, and lectures replaced it. What I didn't realize was that I had unwittingly adopted the notion that physical punishment is the only adequate punishment. So, if I did something wrong, or my parents were displeased with me, hurting myself became second nature.

I cannot tell you how harmful this mentality is.

When Christ died, HE took the physical pain punishment for ALL my sins. Knowing that my parents are displeased, natural consequences, or rebuke, should be punishment enough for me. Of course, there are consequences, but these should be natural ones. For instance, if you eat twenty pieces of cake, you're going to make yourself sick. This doesn't mean that wrong should be condoned. If my brother hits me, he's going to be told why that's wrong and if he persists in wrongdoing, should be punished by a timeout or something similar.

Obviously, circumstances are different for every family, but for me, at least, being spanked unwittingly implanted the idea in my head that physical pain is the only valid form of punishment.

I've wondered for months why it was that, when I reached that point where my parents were so upset at me, hurting myself was an almost instinctive reaction. I didn't even think about it. It felt natural. It felt...right. There was no question in my mind that I completely deserved the physical pain for disappointing my parents, allowing myself to have romantic feelings for a boy, and using bad language. I believe a large part of it is that when I was young, I knew I was in the doghouse if I had acted wrongly. Apologizing didn't fix things. Being lectured didn't change things. BUT, as soon as I had gotten the appropriate amount of spankings, everything was forgiven and I was reminded again of how loved I was. How does one make the mental transition from "I need to be physically punished for any transgression" to "Now that I've reached a certain age, a lecture or being grounded is adequate punishment"?

And for those who argue that Proverbs commands parents to spank their children (Mike and Debi Pearl, I'm looking right at you!!), my response is that Proverbs is in the Old Testament, and although I don't believe we should discount it merely because it happens to be before the birth of Christ, please show me a passage anywhere in the New Testament under the New Covenant which commands spanking children as a form of punishment! The verses in the New Testament on child rearing say to not provoke your children to wrath but rather bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Admonition is NOT the same as spanking.

And, while I'll readily admit that my ideas on child raising aren't completely developed yet, I agree far more with those who advocate not spanking your children, or only using spanking as a very last resort, than those who spank their children constantly for any real or imagined misdemeanor.

<3 Tirzah

And The Truth Will Set You Free

For the past six months I've struggled with depression and guilt over a past relationship.

Trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out where my path now lies, independent of him. Trying to determine how much "damage" had been done to my heart, and beating myself up for my failure to remain absolutely pure.

I was so convinced that somehow it was my fault. Everything was my fault somehow. No matter that when asked HOW everything automatically became my fault, I couldn't give any concrete reasons for why I believed that. I found myself caught in a strange emotional state where I refused to blame him, yet, the burden of guilt was too heavy for me. So I relied even more heavily on destructive coping mechanisms. I dissected ever single aspect of the relationship trying to determine where I went wrong. I was slowly destroying myself.

Well, you know what? No more.

I've learned and am learning that it's not necessarily anyone's "fault". Sometimes it's timing that's just flawed. Sometimes it's outside sources that we have no control over. Or fate steps in. Sometimes your past comes back to haunt you, and damages things. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be, and no matter how much you may love someone, it doesn't always work out. Sometimes you need the pain, the heartbreak to wake you up and make you question beliefs and practices which you've always accepted as gospel but which were wrong all along. Sometimes love doesn't work out, but just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it wasn't real at the time. And sometimes our own desires hopes, fears, and dreams destroy us. 

But a life lived in fear (or shame) is a life half lived.

So today I choose to step out of the shadows, embrace life, love, and happiness, and let go of the past. 

It's a lesson I can't learn soon enough.

<3 Tirzah